twenty three

time flies, I'm almost twenty three already. Many things happened this year and throughout the entire 23 years of my life. I'm still very amazed how far I have come. I'm grateful for everything I have and looking forward to what my future brings me but maybe it would be better if time can freeze and I can indulge in being young.  

What if I get to send a letter to my younger self, what would I say? I probably wouldn't brag about how fun or cool it is to be in university, I also probably wouldn't ask her to be too ambitious but I would definitely ask her to enjoy every moment in life to cherish the age where there's not much responsibility to bother. It must be a bad idea to start off by telling you that life isn't a wonderful fairy tale, that being a grown up isn't exactly how you pictured it to be and to appreciate the present as it is. Well I guess life is unpredictable that way, you'll climb and you'll fall, you might even find it harder than ever to get back on your feet. Everyone will tell you that there will be a rainbow after the storm, that things will be okay if you work hard for it. Let's be realistic, things may turn good but it may also lead to a bad ending, there's no guarantee in life. 

There's so many things happening in life, things that we may or may not understand at the moment. I like to imagine life as a story on its own, with many decisions made along the way that leads to infinite possibilities of the future. 

Lately I got very caught up with my studies, life gets a bit busier as I'm approaching my final year in university soon. Much more expectations from lecturers to have prior knowledge from my preclinical and past clinical years. Sometimes I feel like there's so many stuffs to be done in such a limited time in this lockdown period. Sad to say, but missing the chance and exposure for clinical years sucks. I'm definitely someone who remembers much better through experiencing, I sure miss the small talks with patient and doctors. Every medical students want to learn things the traditional way, we sure did miss out a lot. Everything that was taken for granted before this were precious memories now. I still remember the first patient that trusted me in doing procedures on him, he was just sent to the ward from the emergency department. His vitals weren't stable, he's tachypneic, has pursed lips and there's tremors of both his upper limbs due to the side effects of IV Salbutamol. I was excited for the opportunity but super worried that I couldn't do well. The doctor kept encouraging me to not overthink but to just try asking his permission, I did and to my surprised he agreed despite I explained that it's my first time doing it. Succeed in the first try and I must say it made me the happiest child on earth. The doctor who gave me the opportunity was happy for me too and I remember how the patient thank me despite he's the one who helped me. Yes, I miss going to hospitals. 

I've been spending more time with my family, it was probably one of the things I'm ultimately grateful for during this pandemic. It makes me notice many little things which I've neglected. We are all grown up. It's amazing how we now talk about politics and latest news, when it seems like it was just yesterday where our topics were always cartoons and school. The household has never been busier for these long period with all family of four being most of the time at home- be it wfh or sfh. We now spend our weekdays having teams meetings and completing our assignments, while weekends are for cleaning the house and lazing on the sofa on movies marathons together. We get to know each other deeper, the hours spent on travelling to workplace/university are now a luxury spent on more hours of sleep/cooking. I hope I will forever remember that during this pandemic, family moonlight many professions- to be protectors, to be carers and to be supporters of one another through thick and thin. 

I've learnt a couple of things on seeing life differently, it sure did took me a long while to realize that many people in life only take us for granted. It's sad to say that looking back in life, there are many people who only take us as friends for benefit. It happens, nothing to be shocked about, that's the process of life. I have to agree with him telling me that some people are not friends when they don't treat you as one of their priorities when you need them, they are simply just colleagues. True friends are those who you can trust them with your deepest secret and that you feel comfortable crying out all your problems to them because you know they are not like the others. They are people who really care, not only to share the joy with you during the sunny days of any huge achievements but most importantly, they are there when you are so devastated and to help you fight through the long and lonely nights. They won't be busy over other stuffs when you truly need them, they would lend you not only a listening ears but all the time you need and to think of ways to make you feel okay. Not everyone know and understand what you've been through but some people are willing to learn bit by bit and to accept you for who you are. I've learnt from the past that friends are hard to find. In today's world, humans are too numb and selfish, they would only care if it concerns themselves.   

After all, many people just come and go. 

Lockdown life is quite interesting for me, I guess that's the perks of being an introvert. Of course I miss going out with family and friends, meeting new people and exploring new places. But I think the downside of being in lockdown is that everyone's mental health get affected in one way or another. Many people lose their jobs, their health and their loved ones. It sure is a roller-coaster ride for many people, but like what they said it's okay to not be okay. Everyone is striving for their best to survive this period of difficulties. It is during this lockdown that made me realize how fragile is life, and how important it is to be healthy mentally and physically. 

There is quite a lengthy period of time where I find my mental state unstable, I would get sad of out the blue and at times like that, I don't feel like doing anything or to talk to anyone. I would sleep way too much, like a stretch of 12 hours a day and I would still feel tired and I had to force myself to stay awake. Up till today, I'm still not completely sure what triggered all that, it could be the stress that I gave myself during that clinical posting or it just happened out of nowhere. Everything then continued until my best friend got COVID-19 and admitted in the hospital, I didn't take it seriously at first as I was too preoccupied with my studies and my already unstable mood, I distracted myself from thinking about his condition, assuring myself that everything's going to be alright. Unfortunately, his health deteriorated. He went from nasal prong to venturi mask to high flow nasal prong and finally he was sent to ICU. I remember crying texting two of my closest friends and my cousin, it'd been a long time since I felt so helpless. It was a roller coaster ride, his SPO2 dropped to 80 despite on high flow nasal prong, his chest X-ray has lots of homogenous opacities. They infused him with IV Tarzocin (a strong antibiotic only given to hospital acquired infections) and some other drugs which he was too tired to find out. Many drugs were tried but he wasn't getting any better. It would take him hours to reply my message. I would wake up in shock in the middle of the night to check if he texted me. It was a week before my finals and I was tired, mentally and physically tired of crying and thinking. There's this one night where he texted me that the doctors are planning to intubate him soon if his SPO2 is not rising. At that moment, I was dumbfound. As a medical student, I knew how much it takes for a doctor to make that decision. 

He sent me an audio message, there was no voice to be heard but only sounds of machines beeping and him breathing hastily. He was trying to tell me something but he couldn't. I reached my limit, I locked myself in my room and broke down mentally. I kept asking myself why would this happen when I'm not strong enough. I did not understand why but I prayed for time to past by faster because at times like these, I know only time heals. 

It sure was a long wait, tears and sleepless nights, fear and countless fights. He sure fought strong, like a warrior. Thankfully, he recovered, slowly but surely and was discharged after 18 days in the hospital. 

But what if we all get to know the consequences beforehand, to undo all the unnecessary mistakes that we made.