The last letter

- I’m writing this while I’m very much alive with no intention or wish to leave this world anytime soon. This letter is simply something I want to be read only when my time eventually comes.

If you’re hearing this, it means my time in this world has come to an end.

Who would have thought that this letter would become the last thing I leave behind?
It feels strange to write something so personal that is meant to be read aloud but yet not by me. I hope it reaches your heart exactly the way I mean it to. If you’re listening now, maybe this is my small way of holding your hand one last time.

I don’t want this moment to be heavier than it already is. Please don’t let guilt, regret, or “I should have” live in your heart.

Things happen. Life happens. It's okay.

What I really want you to remember is simple:
Life is short, unpredictable, sometimes painful, yet filled with tiny, beautiful moments that make everything worth it.

It’s the small things that stay with us: falling snow, a comforting meal, a hug that melts your stress, a quiet friend who listens, a hand reaching out in silence, a smile that lightens your day, the little victories you collect without even realizing it. Those are the real treasures.

So remember me through the love we shared, the laughter that made our days lighter and the moments we tried to make life a little happier for each other.

Don’t remember me as someone perfect or someone who had everything figured out because that was far from the truth. People may have seen me as cheerful or strong, the happy-go-lucky one, but my life was never always rainbows and sunshine. I had my shadows too. I struggled quietly, overthought until I couldn't sleep, cared too much, loved intensely, cried in silence, got hurt, healed, and somehow kept growing.

But through it all, I tried - to love, to show up, to help, to be sincere, to be present. And I hope in small ways, you felt that.

If losing me teaches you anything, let it be this:
Say what needs to be said while you still can.
Appreciate people before they turn into memories.
Live fully even when life looks imperfect.
And most importantly, be a blessing - not only to others, but to yourself too.

“Be a blessing” was always my little motto. People thought it meant being endlessly selfless but that’s not what I meant. Being a blessing doesn’t mean fixing everyone’s problems or carrying burdens that aren’t yours. It means choosing to bring warmth into the world - a kind word, a patient heart, a gentle presence. It means loving people sincerely even when the world feels cold.

But it also means treating yourself with that same softness: resting when you’re tired, forgiving yourself, speaking kindly to yourself, choosing peace over perfection, and giving yourself the love you freely give away. You truly deserve that.

Now that I’m no longer on this earth, please take care of each other, treasure the people who matter, and don’t be afraid to walk away from things, from people or versions of yourself that drain you. It’s okay to be emotional and sentimental, to take months or even years to heal.
It’s perfectly fine to trip, to pause or to lose your way a little. There’s no rule saying you have to hit certain milestones by a certain time. You’re exactly where you need to be.
You can cry when you need to and to celebrate when joy finally finds you again. Feel everything. Life is painful and still an amazing journey.

Whenever life feels unbearably heavy and everything seems to fall apart, please don’t lose faith. Even the smallest, most desperate prayer reaches God clearly. God is and always will be with you - step by step, breath by breath. His plans may confuse us, feel unfair or break our heart but He sees the whole story when we only see a moment.

He has guided you through storms you didn’t even realize He already calmed.
One day, when you look back, you’ll understand why certain things had to happen the way they did. And on that day, you will smile, not because life was easy but because God was faithful.

I hope you live well, like truly live well.
Carry the good forward, learn from the pain and always keep your eyes on something better ahead.

And before I go, I want to say I’m truly sorry for any wrong I may have done or for any hurt I may have caused. If my words or actions ever brought you pain, please know it may not be my intention and I ask for your forgiveness.

Thank you for being part of my journey.
Thank you for standing by me, even in ways you didn’t realize.

And most of all- remember me with warmth, never sorrow.

"dinner after talk" 14/8/25

This is a long-overdue confrontation. You’ve been asking why they think that way. A lot has been on my mind, and I’ve been torn between whether to say it or just leave certain things unspoken and filtered. At first, I was reluctant to go into it, after all, saying things that might hurt someone has never been my strength. And it wouldn’t feel right to twist the truth just to make it easier to hear. That wouldn’t do justice to what really happened, or to how I truly feel. But then again, it wouldn’t be fair to simply let you know the label they gave without giving you the context behind it.

You can always choose to take this lightly and I really do hope that, after this whole lengthy conversation, we’ll both be able to move forward from it and let it just be a lesson learnt hahaha.

I know I’m not great with words, which is why writing it down feels like the best way to express what I/they feel

Things trace back to many months ago when everything started and we somehow grew pretty close. At that time, I was in a phase of me being dumb. You began guiding me, teaching me for my assessment and offering direction to the lost "me" who has no idea what she wants in the future.

That sense of companionship meant a lot especially when I entered ENT and kept running into problems. Somehow, you became the person I’d turn to for help and to rant about life, rather than my own ENT colleagues, maybe to avoid any sense of bias or judgment from their side.

But things started to get a little complicated when people began making comments about us. I’m no guru, but it did make me pause and reflect—what is this between us?
Honestly, I didn’t read too much into it at first but when people started teasing and shipping us, it made me stop and think- was this really just a pure platonic friendship? Would friends go to such lengths for each other? I wasn’t even sure how I truly felt myself. I ended up talking to my cousin and my friend briefly about it (about how we often text/meet each other) which was probably not the best idea, I’m sorry for doing that without letting you know but I did try to not go into much details. They picked up on the fact that I might already have some feelings, and they felt that maybe the feelings were mutual from your side too. And their words stuck with me. I mean what if part of you did feel the same way too, even just for a moment?

Well as I think back, we did escalate pretty fast in a weird way. Hmm like what everyone says, someone who’s completely uninterested wouldn’t spend that much time together. The constant texting, lunches in the canteen almost every other day, those late-night phone calls that went on for hours about the most random things. The way you fed me food, the regular visits to my ward- even making the effort to come all the way from MOT to 5H, which isn’t exactly close. And then there’s those spontaneous trip ideas, and the random café dinners (which were fun, by the way).

Well naturally, it all became a little confusing.

They’ve come to the conclusion that 1. you might be playing me- hence they labelled you as a jerk/this relationship as a situationship, only seems to be taking advantages and not wanting any commitments. In better words, you might worry about changing the dynamic or complicating something that already works best for you as it is. So you leave it undefined, not knowing that all these acts do get misunderstood by not only me, but also by the people around us. Remember how everyone kept asking what’s between us and spreading rumours of us being a thing? That’s why they worry you’re just toying with my feelings while benefiting from me. After all, i think they think I’m naive and easily deceived. And as you lately like to quote “其实你是一个很好的女孩子” hahaha ok thanks for the compliment but erm interesting.

Or 2. you’re not fully aware of what you truly feel. Maybe you haven’t reflect on your emotions. You do like the company, the conversations, the emotional support. But when it comes down to romantic attraction or wanting to take things further, you’re uncertain. That uncertainty might come from not having that spark you expect or from not knowing what you truly want right now. Well 或许 你我都真的不知道你头脑在想什么 哈哈

Or 3. you are gay. 

I have to admit, after we had the “clarity” conversation, you asked me, “should we stop communicating?” that question hit me differently. I don’t even remember how the conversation ended, but I do remember how heavy it felt for both of us. I went home and was really thinking about it - what started off as a simple, genuine friendship got a bit more complicated once overthinking/misunderstanding kicked in lol. 

Since I had already developed feelings for you, things became difficult for me, especially at the start. It was confusing and felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster. Not the most obvious thing since I don’t think u noticed hahaha. Well I didn’t even realise how deep I’d fallen into it all until I had to sit down and sort through my emotions from slowly ‘transforming’ u from a crush to a friend hahaha. Letting go of the feelings wasn’t easy. I kept going back and forth, wondering if I should just listen to her advice—be stone cold, cut things off completely, very typical of the block and move on kind of move. But that felt harsh. Maybe it wouldn’t affect you as much (except that you have to find someone else to punch in and out for work haha), but for me, it felt too brutal to handle. I really don’t think friends should end up like that. 

And honestly, even after knowing you didn’t feel the same, I can’t say I already truly moved on, sis is trying ok. I tried to convince myself it was just a phase, something I could brush off. But u still crossed my mind more than I want to admit. And u had to always ask me “when do you want to find a boyfriend?”, well that’s a very difficult question to answer when I still haven’t fully settled our issues. And with everyone teasing and making assumptions of both of us being a thing, it only made it harder to separate what was real from what wasn’t. I wasn’t holding onto false hope, but it was hard letting go of something that once felt so genuine and easy. Just because the feelings weren’t mutual doesn’t mean they didn’t matter.

twenty three

time flies, I'm almost twenty three already. Many things happened this year and throughout the entire 23 years of my life. I'm still very amazed how far I have come. I'm grateful for everything I have and looking forward to what my future brings me but maybe it would be better if time can freeze and I can indulge in being young.  

What if I get to send a letter to my younger self, what would I say? I probably wouldn't brag about how fun or cool it is to be in university, I also probably wouldn't ask her to be too ambitious but I would definitely ask her to enjoy every moment in life to cherish the age where there's not much responsibility to bother. It must be a bad idea to start off by telling you that life isn't a wonderful fairy tale, that being a grown up isn't exactly how you pictured it to be and to appreciate the present as it is. Well I guess life is unpredictable that way, you'll climb and you'll fall, you might even find it harder than ever to get back on your feet. Everyone will tell you that there will be a rainbow after the storm, that things will be okay if you work hard for it. Let's be realistic, things may turn good but it may also lead to a bad ending, there's no guarantee in life. 

There's so many things happening in life, things that we may or may not understand at the moment. I like to imagine life as a story on its own, with many decisions made along the way that leads to infinite possibilities of the future. 

Lately I got very caught up with my studies, life gets a bit busier as I'm approaching my final year in university soon. Much more expectations from lecturers to have prior knowledge from my preclinical and past clinical years. Sometimes I feel like there's so many stuffs to be done in such a limited time in this lockdown period. Sad to say, but missing the chance and exposure for clinical years sucks. I'm definitely someone who remembers much better through experiencing, I sure miss the small talks with patient and doctors. Every medical students want to learn things the traditional way, we sure did miss out a lot. Everything that was taken for granted before this were precious memories now. I still remember the first patient that trusted me in doing procedures on him, he was just sent to the ward from the emergency department. His vitals weren't stable, he's tachypneic, has pursed lips and there's tremors of both his upper limbs due to the side effects of IV Salbutamol. I was excited for the opportunity but super worried that I couldn't do well. The doctor kept encouraging me to not overthink but to just try asking his permission, I did and to my surprised he agreed despite I explained that it's my first time doing it. Succeed in the first try and I must say it made me the happiest child on earth. The doctor who gave me the opportunity was happy for me too and I remember how the patient thank me despite he's the one who helped me. Yes, I miss going to hospitals. 

I've been spending more time with my family, it was probably one of the things I'm ultimately grateful for during this pandemic. It makes me notice many little things which I've neglected. We are all grown up. It's amazing how we now talk about politics and latest news, when it seems like it was just yesterday where our topics were always cartoons and school. The household has never been busier for these long period with all family of four being most of the time at home- be it wfh or sfh. We now spend our weekdays having teams meetings and completing our assignments, while weekends are for cleaning the house and lazing on the sofa on movies marathons together. We get to know each other deeper, the hours spent on travelling to workplace/university are now a luxury spent on more hours of sleep/cooking. I hope I will forever remember that during this pandemic, family moonlight many professions- to be protectors, to be carers and to be supporters of one another through thick and thin. 

I've learnt a couple of things on seeing life differently, it sure did took me a long while to realize that many people in life only take us for granted. It's sad to say that looking back in life, there are many people who only take us as friends for benefit. It happens, nothing to be shocked about, that's the process of life. I have to agree with him telling me that some people are not friends when they don't treat you as one of their priorities when you need them, they are simply just colleagues. True friends are those who you can trust them with your deepest secret and that you feel comfortable crying out all your problems to them because you know they are not like the others. They are people who really care, not only to share the joy with you during the sunny days of any huge achievements but most importantly, they are there when you are so devastated and to help you fight through the long and lonely nights. They won't be busy over other stuffs when you truly need them, they would lend you not only a listening ears but all the time you need and to think of ways to make you feel okay. Not everyone know and understand what you've been through but some people are willing to learn bit by bit and to accept you for who you are. I've learnt from the past that friends are hard to find. In today's world, humans are too numb and selfish, they would only care if it concerns themselves.   

After all, many people just come and go. 

Lockdown life is quite interesting for me, I guess that's the perks of being an introvert. Of course I miss going out with family and friends, meeting new people and exploring new places. But I think the downside of being in lockdown is that everyone's mental health get affected in one way or another. Many people lose their jobs, their health and their loved ones. It sure is a roller-coaster ride for many people, but like what they said it's okay to not be okay. Everyone is striving for their best to survive this period of difficulties. It is during this lockdown that made me realize how fragile is life, and how important it is to be healthy mentally and physically. 

There is quite a lengthy period of time where I find my mental state unstable, I would get sad of out the blue and at times like that, I don't feel like doing anything or to talk to anyone. I would sleep way too much, like a stretch of 12 hours a day and I would still feel tired and I had to force myself to stay awake. Up till today, I'm still not completely sure what triggered all that, it could be the stress that I gave myself during that clinical posting or it just happened out of nowhere. Everything then continued until my best friend got COVID-19 and admitted in the hospital, I didn't take it seriously at first as I was too preoccupied with my studies and my already unstable mood, I distracted myself from thinking about his condition, assuring myself that everything's going to be alright. Unfortunately, his health deteriorated. He went from nasal prong to venturi mask to high flow nasal prong and finally he was sent to ICU. I remember crying texting two of my closest friends and my cousin, it'd been a long time since I felt so helpless. It was a roller coaster ride, his SPO2 dropped to 80 despite on high flow nasal prong, his chest X-ray has lots of homogenous opacities. They infused him with IV Tarzocin (a strong antibiotic only given to hospital acquired infections) and some other drugs which he was too tired to find out. Many drugs were tried but he wasn't getting any better. It would take him hours to reply my message. I would wake up in shock in the middle of the night to check if he texted me. It was a week before my finals and I was tired, mentally and physically tired of crying and thinking. There's this one night where he texted me that the doctors are planning to intubate him soon if his SPO2 is not rising. At that moment, I was dumbfound. As a medical student, I knew how much it takes for a doctor to make that decision. 

He sent me an audio message, there was no voice to be heard but only sounds of machines beeping and him breathing hastily. He was trying to tell me something but he couldn't. I reached my limit, I locked myself in my room and broke down mentally. I kept asking myself why would this happen when I'm not strong enough. I did not understand why but I prayed for time to past by faster because at times like these, I know only time heals. 

It sure was a long wait, tears and sleepless nights, fear and countless fights. He sure fought strong, like a warrior. Thankfully, he recovered, slowly but surely and was discharged after 18 days in the hospital. 

But what if we all get to know the consequences beforehand, to undo all the unnecessary mistakes that we made. 

人生如戏

看过这样一个故事：一对小夫妻开了个小店卖馒头，就一张菜单写了店名贴在门口。一个电蒸锅，一天也蒸不出几屉馒头。邻居都替他们发愁，这日子可怎么过呢？谁知道过了几个月，来买馒头的人越来越多，菜单上便添了几个字，开始卖千层糕，糯米糕，木薯糕。又过了几个月，又添了绿豆汤，豆腐花……一对普通的小夫妻，通过一天天踏实的努力，生活越来越好。然而，也有一些人， 感觉自己没有握住一手好牌，便早早放弃了。

人生是一场戏。在自己哭声中拉开序幕，在别人的哭声中落幕。

出生时呱呱坠地的声音大同小异，不同的是，有的人出生在衣食无忧的名门，一出场就是众星捧月；有的人降生在凄苦的茅屋土炕，迎接他的是亲人们愁眉的叹息。有的人一出场似乎就注定是才子佳人的角色，有的人一出场似乎注定成为面朝黄土背朝天的挣扎者。这一段戏是上天给你规定的，你无法选择这事实，好在这是一个目录，出场亮相并不能确定你一生的命运，重头戏还在后面，演好演坏还不一定。


那既然是戏，就会有主配角之分，先天条件好的当然当主角的机会也大些，差的呢就是配角啦，但这也有例外，就看你自己如何把握机会。严肃认真把配角演好也会有变成主角的一天而嘻戏人生的终究会沦落为茄哩啡，这就是戏剧的变化的魅力。人生没有独角戏，有了对手才能互相激励从而发现自己的潜力，那些总想自己一枝独秀满台生辉，结果是越急于露脸的往往最先出丑。

戏必须要有起承转合才称的上是一部合格的戏。所以人生游戏没有固定的套路，有多少人就有多少版本，有多少版本就有多少演绎。相同的性格却有不同的命运，相同的经历却有不同的结果。高尚者往往把卑劣压在心底，卑劣者常常把高尚挂在嘴上。善良是伪装在脸上的油彩，罪恶是越轨者的潜台词。刀枪相向的未必都是敌人，称兄道弟的也不一定都是朋友，白脸的不一定是小人，红脸的未必都是君子。所以，真正的戏剧在社会，真正的演员在台下。

台上指挥千军万马，台下可能没有一兵一卒。台上万贯家产，台下可能囊中羞涩。台上风流倜傥，台下可能举步维艰。这就是戏剧与生活的区别。洗却铅华卸下行头才会露出人生真面目。然而，许多人一生都在假戏真做，戴着面具生活，拖着唱腔应付，台上台下判若两人，人做鬼事，鬼说人话。

随着时间的流失，我们的人生的经验也慢慢的变的越来越丰富，同样我们也慢慢的等待老去的那一天来临，这都是不可避免的，即然让我们来到了这世上，那么就一定有着我们的一定的意义，我们不能一味的追求着平凡的生活，要为自己的来过，做出来一定贡献，那怕是那么的渺小。也许我们会失败，但是，正因为这个失败我们就更应该要坚持着，都知道失败是成功之母，正因为你曾经失败过了，那样你的经验才会积累的更多，你的成就才会更高。如果就这样被打到了，那么就是一个懦夫的行为，也正是因为有你的存在，让更多成功的人更有自信，让更多的后来人看到懦夫的代价。

但做出选择前一定要三思。要知道后果，做出不违背良心的选择。你既是这场戏的编剧也是演员，父母老师是你的导演，要演好戏首先得编好剧本，作好计划，其次向导演请教，认真演好每一个镜头，也许那个镜头对你来说并不重要，但只要认真演，就不会有遗憾。再从观众的评价中发现不足，知错能改。虽然是现场直播但改了就不会再重蹈覆辙。然后相对而言你也是别人的观众，要学会从别人的戏中中汲取精华。既然演了就要演得精彩，演得真实。

人的一生也就只有那么的一次，错过了就不在回来，我们不像电影里的主角那样，结局总是美好的，我们只有靠自己，人生如戏，要做就做主角不要当个观众。评价你人生戏的标准是你自己和观众。等到有一天当你年过花甲，站在黄昏天空下看着夕阳回忆起重前时光时，遗憾越少便演得越好，反之，遗憾越多，便成了一场残戏。

当你演完以后，为你感动的观众越多，你的戏便越成功！

1799

两年，这段路说长不长 可说短也肯定不短。

日子久了 我觉得我们不止像情侣，更像这世上唯一最了解对方的知己

- soulmate -

这世上要找一个懂你的人 其实真的不容易，在我逐渐长大的时候 我开始除了家人之外 在很多人面前都不太要表达自己。可他呢 却真的很不一样，他尝试着进入我的世界 一个别人都无法明白的框框 却有他一步一步的参与。他们说得对 一个在全世界面前可以笑着可以似乎没心事的人 心底却有着许许多多的未知数，只有那么的几个人可以明白。是呀 我们俩每一天每个时候都在信息着对方 没有超过半天是不在说话的。他开始明白我和我的家人朋友们的相处模式。到一个程度 他都认识我多数的朋友。至少我心情不好吐槽别人的时候 他也了解为什么我会这么做。

他真的是我肚子里的蛔虫啊。我开始变得很依赖他。生活大小琐碎的事 都会告诉对方，他真的是我很好的聆听者。虽然我们有着很多不一样的地方 有着很多互相要学习的地方，可是他真的很会适应我的生活。只要我哭着打电话给他 他都会大概猜到发生什么事，真的蛮神奇的。他真的真的很爱我 搞得我会只对他一个有公主病。

慢慢地我会开始因着很小的事情发脾气，明明很多时候是自己的问题 可是我都会很轻易地释放心里的不悦。他从来都不会跟我发脾气 都会耐心地道歉 哄我开心。他也不会告诉我什么大道理 他说这一切道理我都知道，他不介意我耍脾气 因为他说至少我有一个方法释放我的压力。

就这样 他不会要我改什么 就按着我自己的baby steps 一步一步学习。

别人都会告诉我 爱情久了就会冷淡 可我说嘛 你怎么那么不一样。

只能说 这一点一滴是爱一个人的表现吧。

爱一个人 你可以奋不顾身地做一切只为的让她笑

爱一个人 你可以每一晚在和好友上网玩着游戏时 只因着她打一通电话 而半场弃权，不在乎你朋友每一次怎么骂你 只为的看到她。

爱一个人 你可以在半夜被她的一个 “我睡不着” 的电话吵醒 而一点脾气也没有 就默默地哄她睡觉。

爱一个人 你可以在她因着很小的事崩溃大声责怪你不对 不要你靠近她的时候 你依然在远处等着她心情变好。

爱一个人 你会在她欺骗着你说给你戴绿帽甚至怀孕了 虽然你会很难受可是你都完全没有责怪她 反而比较担心她的身体。

爱一个人 你可以因着她试着学习着哪怕那一丁点的医学 为的在她有一天兴奋告诉你事情的时候 你可以明白。
爱一个人 就算她在挑逗你的时候 你依然会笑着配合她。

爱一个人 你去到哪里都会事先告诉她 为的是不要让她失去安全感。

爱一个人 你会因为她分享一个她在网上视频看到的食物 而特地学习如何下厨让她吃。

爱一个人 你可以在和她出去叫了各自的食物后 因为她的不好吃 你也什么都没说就和她换。

爱一个人 你可以因着她第二天有考试 而虽然你是大学羽毛球协会的主席 而放弃出席当天一周一次的练习 为的与你煲电话粥通宵读书。

爱一个人 你依然会习惯性地摸摸她的头 吻她的额头 尽管你知道她会嫌弃地把你吻过的印记擦掉。

爱一个人 就算她会在你一躺下的那一刻就嫌弃你的头很重 可是当她一躺在你的腿上多少个小时的时候 你依然会觉得是个甜蜜的负担。

爱一个人 就算你可以在没有吃早餐的时候 可是她却因为说着要减肥 所以只叫了一份午餐 你还是会把超过一半的食物喂给她吃。

爱一个人 你会做超越你想象的事。很疯狂 可是真的很感动。

爱一个人 你不介意她一切的瑕疵，因为在你眼里她是最好的。

如果一个男人爱你 他会爱你比你爱他甚至比他爱自己来得多。虽然他已经有两个前任 可是他还是让我经历到比初恋还要可爱的恋爱。

他们都说我很幸福 嗯 真的很幸福。

在外表上 我可以是个21岁的女生 可是内心还是住着一个小孩。很多时候当事情不是顺着我的想法行的时候 会很不开心 会闹脾气。会因着一丁点小事 而不开心一整天，会因为别人说的一句话 而让我一周的心情有改变。过马路偶尔会忘记看路 容易被别人欺负 不会控制饮食 更不会照顾好自己。他都知道，他会把我当成他唯一疼的小孩 一直都以自己的方式守护着我 让我一直持续做我自己。

有时会想 没有他 我会怎么生活下去。仿佛生命少了一个重要的一部分 再也没有人可以承受我的脾气 也没有人好像闺蜜知己一样听我的故事 没有人会提醒我生活琐碎的事。别人都告诉我 没事会习惯的。

可是两年了 我习惯有他。