This is a long-overdue confrontation. You’ve been asking why they think that way. A lot has been on my mind, and I’ve been torn between whether to say it or just leave certain things unspoken and filtered. At first, I was reluctant to go into it, after all, saying things that might hurt someone has never been my strength. And it wouldn’t feel right to twist the truth just to make it easier to hear. That wouldn’t do justice to what really happened, or to how I truly feel. But then again, it wouldn’t be fair to simply let you know the label they gave without giving you the context behind it.
You can always choose to take this lightly and I really do hope that, after this whole lengthy conversation, we’ll both be able to move forward from it and let it just be a lesson learnt hahaha.
I know I’m not great with words, which is why writing it down feels like the best way to express what I/they feel
Things trace back to many months ago when everything started and we somehow grew pretty close. At that time, I was in a phase of me being dumb. You began guiding me, teaching me for my assessment and offering direction to the lost "me" who has no idea what she wants in the future.
That sense of companionship meant a lot especially when I entered ENT and kept running into problems. Somehow, you became the person I’d turn to for help and to rant about life, rather than my own ENT colleagues, maybe to avoid any sense of bias or judgment from their side.
But things started to get a little complicated when people began making comments about us. I’m no guru, but it did make me pause and reflect—what is this between us?
Honestly, I didn’t read too much into it at first but when people started teasing and shipping us, it made me stop and think- was this really just a pure platonic friendship? Would friends go to such lengths for each other? I wasn’t even sure how I truly felt myself. I ended up talking to my cousin and my friend briefly about it (about how we often text/meet each other) which was probably not the best idea, I’m sorry for doing that without letting you know but I did try to not go into much details. They picked up on the fact that I might already have some feelings, and they felt that maybe the feelings were mutual from your side too. And their words stuck with me. I mean what if part of you did feel the same way too, even just for a moment?
Well as I think back, we did escalate pretty fast in a weird way. Hmm like what everyone says, someone who’s completely uninterested wouldn’t spend that much time together. The constant texting, lunches in the canteen almost every other day, those late-night phone calls that went on for hours about the most random things. The way you fed me food, the regular visits to my ward- even making the effort to come all the way from MOT to 5H, which isn’t exactly close. And then there’s those spontaneous trip ideas, and the random café dinners (which were fun, by the way).
Well naturally, it all became a little confusing.
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Or 2. you’re not fully aware of what you truly feel. Maybe you haven’t reflect on your emotions. You do like the company, the conversations, the emotional support. But when it comes down to romantic attraction or wanting to take things further, you’re uncertain. That uncertainty might come from not having that spark you expect or from not knowing what you truly want right now. Well 或许 你我都真的不知道你头脑在想什么 哈哈
Or 3. you are gay.
I have to admit, after we had the “clarity” conversation, you asked me, “should we stop communicating?” that question hit me differently. I don’t even remember how the conversation ended, but I do remember how heavy it felt for both of us. I went home and was really thinking about it - what started off as a simple, genuine friendship got a bit more complicated once overthinking/misunderstanding kicked in lol.
Since I had already developed feelings for you, things became difficult for me, especially at the start. It was confusing and felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster. Not the most obvious thing since I don’t think u noticed hahaha. Well I didn’t even realise how deep I’d fallen into it all until I had to sit down and sort through my emotions from slowly ‘transforming’ u from a crush to a friend hahaha. Letting go of the feelings wasn’t easy. I kept going back and forth, wondering if I should just listen to her advice—be stone cold, cut things off completely, very typical of the block and move on kind of move. But that felt harsh. Maybe it wouldn’t affect you as much (except that you have to find someone else to punch in and out for work haha), but for me, it felt too brutal to handle. I really don’t think friends should end up like that.
And honestly, even after knowing you didn’t feel the same, I can’t say I already truly moved on, sis is trying ok. I tried to convince myself it was just a phase, something I could brush off. But u still crossed my mind more than I want to admit. And u had to always ask me “when do you want to find a boyfriend?”, well that’s a very difficult question to answer when I still haven’t fully settled our issues. And with everyone teasing and making assumptions of both of us being a thing, it only made it harder to separate what was real from what wasn’t. I wasn’t holding onto false hope, but it was hard letting go of something that once felt so genuine and easy. Just because the feelings weren’t mutual doesn’t mean they didn’t matter.
