So there goes 2015, one of the most influential year to me and also one of the toughest year that mould me into who I am today.
I've always thought that : nahh Form 5 only ma, study hard for SPM, nothing much to worry de. BUT I was wrong.
It's not that everyone have to go through a tough year in form 5, don't get me wrong and get all stressed up. Maybe you have to, maybe you don't have to. Why I ended up going through a consider tough year, it's because I'm not only bothered by my studies, but many other perspectives in life. I consider it a year I cried the most out of desperation of coping through them asap, but on the other side I'm really glad that God put in all these obstacles in this beautiful year for me to learn to be a more independent lady and tougher woman.
I remember crying and even up to a point I worry too much that I have to go through countless of sleepless nights. As a wrap up and analysis (sounds professional but nope), those many many sleepless nights taught me something : you couldn't find an exact solution to every problem in life, life is something too practical that the situation changes from time to time without us sensing it, all that we can do is seek for advices from more experienced people and to also rely completely on God. Yeahh, thinking for hours and even crying wondering why all these will happen on someone like me couldn't solve anything. This is life.
Another thing 2015 has taught me is that a failure or disapproval from someone or something shouldn't affect your many dreams in life. I remember crying and thinking like what's even wrong with my academics, but then on I realized that it doesn't matter as God had put in solutions to every problems faced. And yeah God has a better plan no humans can understand at that very point, God actually let me go through difficulties in people faced in life bit by bit. It all started from the easiest to cope - academics then to friendship and to family and then to church to love etcetera. What a long list of life lessons. I remember thinking and telling God : Well, I had gone through problems from different perspectives like friendship, love, academics, decisions making, church and more, should I be expecting some problems from the family just to make 2015 a year which I can learn a whole set of how-to-cope-problems-of-different-perspectives-of-life ? Sure enough. Well, to also always remember that even if the whole world leaves you or even give up on you, your family would never ever leave you, even if they do, at least i can 100% assure you that our heavenly Father wouldn't.
Always don't feel that it is a very psychotic or depressing thing or to even feel ashamed to seek someone more experienced or heart to heart talk for psychological advices in life. This is something hard to accept in the Asian's culture. To actually find someone you trust to speak your heart out for an hour or two long on the problems you face. I find it hard and awkward at first too, we always tend to have this concept on "no need to trouble others on your own problems" but yeah as life goes on and as the problems accumulate, I think it is important to find someone for counselling and then on you will feel a thousand times better. For me, I usually will seek church pastors for advices, you see it would be something really shocking if one day you ask your parents to bring you to see some psychologists right, confirm they will go crazy. So Yeahh the most I can do is to ask our church pastors for advices. You see, you may be wondering why don't I ask my parents for advices in life, they had gone through most of the things I'm going to go through in life. Well, the few reasons I chose to ask church pastors for advices is that I don't want my parents to be too worried, we are still their teeny weeny babies in their eyes no matter how old we become and it actually aches their heart to see us crying and being all stressed. The other few reasons is that I would feel less awkward and I can be really straight forward, as far as I know the pastors of our church are really good listeners and they would give us advices from our y generation's thinking. And of course these church pastors had also counsel many other more people and even studied psychology before, so it would be much easier for them to give us definite advices on problems in life.
Moving on and forgetting the past. Things that once hurt you so deeply or things that so call you don't feel comfortable to remember. Just forget about it. Although it takes lots of courage and it must have make you feel completely uneasy (remembering me hiding in the toilet for like 20 minutes two weeks back in the camp just to avoid thinking back of the old memories, totally deepens one's heart and like almost want to cry the heart out), but it doesn't matters, just let all the emotions and thoughts once and for all flow out of your heart, give yourself time no matter how long it is, no hurry at all, why no wonder I took 20 minutes hiding in the toilet. You just have to move on, when you know all this have to come to an end, you have to really draw a big fat full stop to it, and only you yourself can do so. No point dragging and stuffs, be more straight forward.
The year 2015 also taught me to never ever change that personality of yours just because of a few things that you feel guilty of. Why, I always know the rule of never change yourself because of someone. But it truly hits me when someone who is quite important to my version of year 2015 told me that "you've changed, you are not the person I've known earlier anymore". I truly thank that someone who told me this. The reason he said so is that last time I was someone who is with a lot of ideas and comments in everything that had to do with me in life. I just tend to want to make them better. But because of a certain facts (the cons of being with too many ideas) tends to make me feel like I'm controlling other people's life. That control people's life part is something I noticed but not someone they think. It's that by me always supplying tons of ideas, they tend to just follow and many of other factors that makes me feel really guilty. Then on, I became really quiet and I would just follow ideas of other people. "You are too mature of your age" is something I always receive from other people. So that makes me wonder whether I should sometimes listen to my peers of my age, to understand how they truly think and manage something. Of course, there is many other factors and difficulties I'd faced this year which made me too tired on making changes on other things. So yeah I became a follower. But after that sentence given to me, it actually gave me a few days to think about it. And finally I've come to a point that it's a gift from God to be able to think of many other ideas and to manage people well, and I'm not going to just vanish the gift from God just like that. And yeah 2016 is the year for me to change back to the good old me HAHAHA.
Well, these are probably the few things I've faced and learn thought two zero one five.
So what is the one thing I would miss about in 2015, I think it would either be the Student LE camp or school. Yeah surprisingly I would put school under this list. It's like when you know you are going to leave school and to never ever be able to wear that blue pinnafore and walk to the school normally as a school student but not an ex school student, you know you will miss that feeling. Going to school was something we all don't appreciate last time but now when we think back, we simply take it for granted. Going to high school, you don't have to worry about anything, well maybe you do but not as much as when you are in college or in uni or even when you start your career life. Carefree life. I said I missed LE right, I sure do. I miss the times when we strive for our best to achieve our goal and to get to go into the adult's world, to get to know what's going on in the society. It makes all of us grow so much and to get to experience God's grace, to grow firmer in Christ.
Have I ever thought of repeating 2015 again despite of all the difficulties faced? Yes. I'm not kidding. The trust I have for God had been growing so well this year that it made me made a few important decisions in life to be able to do something for the world, the people and God.
And yeah before two zero one six comes, you would probably think that I would go somewhere and countdown or what. But no
See you in 9 hours, two zero one six !