out of my expectations

"What do you want to be ?"

A simple yet challenging question asked, and yet other than "how are you ?" or "have you eaten already ?", this is probably the most frequently asked question since young.

Sometimes it really does make me having countless sleepless night cracking my head, just so I would try getting a definite answer to this question. I remember constantly changing my ambition from time to time as years went by. From being a nurse to a teacher and a teacher to a doctor and a doctor to a pilot and a pilot to an accountant and yeah the list goes on. You can name it from A to Z, most of those professions actually came through my mind before.

Still, I would go speechless every time being asked and would often end up giving a gesture of "I don't know".

And there's how the years went by being unsure of my career path. I have to admit I really do admire people who has a definite goal or dream since young, isn't that a great privilege so you could actually focus and to be more definite in fulfilling the dream ?

But not everyone gets to know it so early, well at least I don't.

So I practically was dragging time, you see I just couldn't get my mind right yet. When I was in primary school, I was thinking like "oh there's still years to think about". When it comes to secondary school "well let me start finding my interest and only make my decision in form 4 when I have to choose which stream to enter". When I was in my upper secondary, I went thinking like "hey there's still time, let's make a more definite decision when I finish my SPM". Well, at least I knew what I was doing by taking my science stream ? I just got a feeling God wants me to work with science.

Cut long story short, it was getting nearer and nearer to getting my SPM results. Things are happening, all these are getting serious. And my mind stop couldn't make a definite decision. I've been talking to some of the people out there about choices and career paths. And yes I STRONGLY encourage everyone to do so, to ask around and at least have an exposure. Trust me, I gained a lot through all these. I actually get to know how different individuals with different family background think. I didn't know it would be that different, the advices they gave and everything, it's really an eye opening experience. And yeah I went on asking people whether I suit this career or not and I must say that asking part saved me. I didn't know my type of personality or even the me with this type of emotional, physical or even spiritual wouldn't really fit in some of the jobs. I got answers to some of my questions and yeah at least I was progressing bit by bit. 

But yet I wasn't sure of what should I be. I must say I had a career path in my mind, but it just seems like the road ahead of me isn't that clear, I still have this blurry version. That career path I had in my mind is actually that ONE profession that many many people out there who knows me advices me to challenge myself since I was at this very young age. My piano teacher, my parents, church members, my friends and even some random lecturer who just happened to meet me that day (just by judging the way I walk) advices me to take up this ONE profession.

But yet I'm afraid that it wasn't God's plan and it didn't suit me. I want a clearer and more definite vision.

So for the last 4 months (after my SPM examination), I have been asking around what job suits me. My cousins came and I asked them, my aunts were also asked by me, all those experienced adults in church I have asked them too. And most of them told me to consider that ONE profession. Still that same ONE that was being told since young.

And after all the lecture given by each of them, all of them asked me to pray about it. To let GOD guide me.

That day still have to come. That day to face the reality, that day to receive that one paper which might change my future. 

That night before 3rd of March, I was chatting with my table mates in school. We were not chatting about the things we usually do when we are free, this time we are discussing about serious issues- SPM results. After all these months, we haven't even spoken on which subject is tough but now out of so many days, we are actually facing the reality. I've a big confident that girl beside me would be getting her results on stage. Well, this girl actually seldom study and she is just that clever to ace every time. However, she said she thinks that both of us are getting the results together on stage. I am not confident to myself but she assured me that I will be getting straight As. I wasn't convinced.

I went to bed early that night, and I was lying down on my bed. "What should I be ?". Still that same question after all these years.

And there's when something came to my mind. And I don't know why this would come across my mind, I must say I'm always lacking of confidence in making promises like this, but I actually told God.

" Dear God, please let me know what You want me to be by the results You are blessing me with tomorrow. Please let me to have a really clear vision and to know what You want me to be. And through this profession, I would be able to serve the church and to serve You. "

And that's how I went to sleep that day without any worries. I would get really nervous every time when I have to get my results, like I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, I would be constantly thinking of it and actually hoping that our exam papers are missing on the way across the seas - yeap I'm that crazy. But this time, I just went sleeping soundly (even when I already took hours of nap that particular morning).

3rd of March. I woke up early to have a stroll in the park as usual. Everything went on so smoothly, as if it's just any other ordinary day. The results are supposed to be out at 10, where you can check them online but yeah I guess I'm kinda realistic, I want to know exactly which subject with which grade. Like I don't want to feel suspicious and unsure by just knowing the total grade but not what grade to what subject.

So I was pretty firm on not checking my results until I get the slip itself. According to the time table our school provide, we should be gathering in the school hall at 11. Then, there will a speech given by the headmistress till 11.10 and the straight As scorers and good academics students' name will be announced and finally students can get their results. 

My initial thought was like, well let's go on time and I should give those students with good academics an applause for the hard work they have put in for the past few years. So I reached at 11.10, well I wasn't having an intention of skipping the speech presented by the headmistress but yeahh my friend there woke up late lol so we have to wait for her in order to fetch her to school.

But yeahh luckily by the time I reached, the headmistress also just reached with the stack of slips. Well, I guess there's some traffic jam on the way to get the result from the headquarters (?) I'm not even sure where they head to get the results. So I was sitting behind my twin brother and in front of Rose (don't get me wrong, it's a he, Rose is simply a nickname we came out with together). So you know students are always noisy whenever someone gives a speech, well graduated/ex students are practically the same too. 

But one sentence caught my attention. And that one sentence actually changed my mood immediately.

"There's only two students with straight As this year in our school"

Okay again don't get me wrong. I didn't really expect myself to get straight As, mainly because I never got straight As before other than my UPSR which is years back and yeah one of the exams in standard 1 which is much more longer ago. The reason my heart sank is that, many people out there deserves to get straight As, they'd been studying everyday by putting in a lot of effort, there's like at least 10 + of them in my list who should get straight As. And if there's only 2 person getting straight As this year and there's like always over 10 people getting straight As in our school for the past few years, this simply means the exam this time is considered hard to ace.

I turned to my back and told Rose about it. Both of us went quiet. I have a feeling he have a similar thought like me too. 

Finally, that moment everyone is waiting for has reached. Our counselling teacher announced that she would also announced students with 9As. Well, I actually salute students who take extra subjects hahaha, having to cope extra subjects like accounts, Chinese, geography etcetera. 

And that's when I assure myself, your name wouldn't be announced, you've only taken 9 subjects. And in order for your name to be announced, you really have to get 9As which is also straight As in my case.

So yeah I wasn't expecting much.

As the names were being called out one by one, I started getting a little bit emotional. As if I'm their parents seeing your own children achieving their goals in life. I felt happy for them, proud of them. Am I too mature for my age hahaha.

And there's when all the names were finished calling. That last two booklet left. 

"And now we're about to announce students with straight As."

I heard my name being called. But not from the mic, it's the voice from Rose sitting behind me. That guy who kept quiet for all this while actually spoke something at last. Trust me, he's been shouting my name like those cheerleaders when the whole hall was like in pin drop silence. I went on stopping him and shushing him. I admit I wasn't confident, well how could I get it when the top students in our grade didn't managed to get straight As too. I was always 20 something in the whole grade.

But yeahh you know when you have friends so crazy and that friend of yours somehow know you for like 2 whole years and we face each other almost everyday. Although it seems weird among Asian culture, but we practically talk about anything, from crushes to period :x So yeah he didn't stop this last chance from supporting me but seriously I don't have that confidence, what if my name was not spoken, major throw face sia. Like seriously very major. Because guess what, I was wearing class tee with my name at that in CAPITALS and it's like in font 100. Everyone would know who is he shouting about, and imagine how hard is it for me to hide my face (and name) if my name really wasn't called out.

...

My name really did get called. I admit I was stunned for like 2 seconds, the whole world seems like it has stopped working for that particular moment. I stood up with my legs are numbed from sitting with buckled up shoes. I walked to the front without any expression. My mind is definitely in a total blank. I'm like a controlled robot. I walked straight up the stage and head towards the headmistress. As both my hands were holding that booklet, only did I fully realize and came to some senses. It's me.

"Did you expect this ?" The headmistress asked. 
"No" I answered.




Grateful. Probably the only feeling left in my heart. I'm grateful and thankful for everyone and everything that had happened in my life. I thank my parents for putting in so much of effort in raising me. I thank them for giving me the opportunity to make decisions in life. They always respected my point of view and would only give me better advices and they never force me. I thank them for all the encouragement and trust given to me. Thank you for never giving me stress in my academics, thank you for letting me to be independent for my own academics and to never scold me when I get bad grades. Thank you all for everything that you all have done. If it isn't the effort and everything that you all have put into that little girl who is clueless and oh so tiny when arrived in this world, there wouldn't be someone like me today.

I thank everyone around me. Those who are a part of this "project" by laying down this path towards this achievement I have today, thank you all for all the support given and the confidence you all have in me. Thanks for grooming me into a better person not only in academics but much other ways. I thank those who add in stones and thorns when I'm walking towards the finish line of my secondary school. Because of that, I am who I am today, strong and firm in walking this route.


Finally and most importantly, I thank for GOD's blessings. Thanks for blessing me abundantly although I'm not worthy. Thanks for guiding me throughout these 17 years. Thanks for answering my prayers by giving me a clearer vision of my career path.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me" Phillipians 4:13

高中时 同桌那回事

这篇部落格根据真人真事 只不过换了名字

Monday blues 

星期一 又是星期一。踏入课室的那一刻 其实自己还懵懵懂懂的，这也得托刚刚校长训话的福 。嗯 是的 我当时已经进入「勿打扰 本小姐在睡觉」的静音模式 。怎么星期一非要有个那么啰嗦的周会才能上课啊？难道他们没想过 要是他们把那半个小时抽出来让我们学生迟来上课 会是个多么惹我们学生感到感激的事吗？

唉 别说那个了，就连踏进班的那一刻 我又领悟了另一件事。怎么连什么新报告也非得选星期一才被报告出来呢？嗯 课室清洁值日表被刊登出来了，其实想回来开学也有三个星期了 这值日表的事要是让我做的话 那你老早就能在开学第二天看到有着一张值日表优雅地贴在课室布告栏上了 根本不必等到今时今日。这也得感谢我们班的那位清洁组长 一而再地在拖这件事，这不用说了 过去的两个星期里我们做学生的其实真的太开心了 活得多幸福 多自在啊。

做这班的学生 其实就是这样 宁愿被老师骂我们肮脏 也不想打扫课室。话我还没说完，我们宁可周围肮脏 都不想要自己的位子肮脏 因为要是自己位置肮脏了 老师看见了一定直接骂你。因此我们到课室的第一件事 一定是会看看自己的位置是否肮脏。要是肮脏的话 也有分两种，你遇到好学生呢 就会看到他们去拿扫把畚箕把自己的位置弄干净 要是遇到不太好的学生他们就会直接把地上的垃圾踢到隔壁位置去。哦 对了 其实还有第三种 那也是坐我隔壁 明君 才会干的事，她呢 会直接在老师来检查时 把垃圾踩着，聪明吧？我就说嘛 她的妙计真的可以和 爱因斯坦的 160++ 的 IQ 比较 ，妙计多得她自己也承认可以出书的那种程度了。

这天终于来了 唉，我其实打从一开始心里就在盘算着自己想要有个排桌椅或抹窗的工作，不用太费力 而且桌子椅子这东西老师都没什么注意。不像那些擦白板的 每当一换到下一节时 就一定被叫了。所以这也得看你的运气及人缘。记得几年前自己做班长时 我与好友们都肯定被排到做那些简单的事，去年开始就不同了 没法啊 是自己不想继续做班长 所以这些辛苦的工作就必须卸在我身上了。今年的运气看来也只不过还好，看来一整年的命运也得看这次了。
我便默默地拥进了人潮里看课室前的那 "死人名单"。其实 我当时觉得我太委屈我自己了，我这人根本不爱人家挤我，要不我一个人去看 不然我就不看。可我哪像别人那样理都不理这件事。看了我才后悔，唉 看来我的那些好运前几年用太多了，星期一 扫地 的那排字下清楚的写着 睿云 这名字。无可否认，今年和去年一样 又是扫地 可今年倒霉的是我值日的那天就这么巧是星期一。我承认我当时差点晕了过去。星期一轮值的不好是星期五放学时的那群下午班小屁孩好比出牢那样 非得把自己的课室搞得一沓糊涂。况且 经过我多年的研究，90% 的老师会在星期一特别的洁癖 那剩下 10% 的老师呢 就一定会给我们那完美一节的教训 --- 全班会被罚站一节 训个 "为什么我们精英班不懂得自爱自洁" 等等等的话给我们听 然后在花个十分钟给我们打扫，很奇妙的是过后却怪我们浪费他的教书时间 wah piang 是他自己洁癖好吗。

到头来 其实老师们并不知道 我们学生其实都不 care 他浪费那么多时间。我们任凭他用那一节的时间骂人 也都不想被催眠呢。哦 对了 其实我严重怀疑现在的老师要有个文凭可教书的时候 必须学个催眠术，真的超有效的，任凭他那张嘴一开 啪啦啪啦的一言一语 多么像电视剧里的催眠师拿着那钟摆在你面前 摇啊摇 摆啊摆 一二三 手指「嗒」 的一声 就百分百肯定能有本事让那失眠几夜的你都搞得睡着。

回到刚刚看到值日表的那件事吧，我承认我当时严重无言了。就在自己快要崩溃的那一刻时，无意中看见了自己名字下还有两个名字。我告诉你 当时的眼泪真的可以被擦掉了。卡雯和子晴。原来还有他们陪我啊 太感动了。我镇静的走回自己的位置 尽量不要做出太大反应 不要让任何知道今天我得扫地。那卡雯就超级兴奋地想知道自己是什么值日，但她又不想去前面看 她给我的理由是：太多人了。所以就随口叫其中一个人帮他看了。你看看 这种人还能救吗，想回刚才的我- 多么的伟大啊。简直可以在 睿云这大名上与伟大 放个等于号了。怎么能要我扫地呢？

可当我要去拿扫把的时候，我看见了卡雯从我眼前走过。哈 我怎么没想过这件事呢。

＂那个卡雯 你不用叫人看了，今天你和子晴负责扫地＂
＂哦 真的啊，那 我拿畚箕 子晴拿扫把扫地吧＂

我直接被她那句话呆掉了，心中的那种成就感也顿时被夺去了，我怎么没想到啊。怎么顿时觉得这臭小子只有这刹那的聪明才有真正的资格进精英班。

子晴的人就是超级温顺的，二话也不多说 就那样走过去拿了那扫把。站在我隔壁的明君当时就忍不住了
＂你怎么那么奸啊，竟然肯这样欺负子晴"

明君那不care 的性格会突然说出这句真的让我想笑出来。可不行 我一定要憋着 要不今天逃不过这节啊。深呼吸了几下后 我就直接把头靠过去她耳朵

＂其实 今天也是我值日＂

要是眼神能杀人 我相信我的小命当时已被她吊在风扇上旋转了。
＂你竟然比她还奸＂

就这样一个久违的星期一 - 一个能把任何人性格都看透的星期一。