"What do you want to be ?"
Sometimes it really does make me having countless sleepless night cracking my head, just so I would try getting a definite answer to this question. I remember constantly changing my ambition from time to time as years went by. From being a nurse to a teacher and a teacher to a doctor and a doctor to a pilot and a pilot to an accountant and yeah the list goes on. You can name it from A to Z, most of those professions actually came through my mind before.
Still, I would go speechless every time being asked and would often end up giving a gesture of "I don't know".
And there's how the years went by being unsure of my career path. I have to admit I really do admire people who has a definite goal or dream since young, isn't that a great privilege so you could actually focus and to be more definite in fulfilling the dream ?
But not everyone gets to know it so early, well at least I don't.
So I practically was dragging time, you see I just couldn't get my mind right yet. When I was in primary school, I was thinking like "oh there's still years to think about". When it comes to secondary school "well let me start finding my interest and only make my decision in form 4 when I have to choose which stream to enter". When I was in my upper secondary, I went thinking like "hey there's still time, let's make a more definite decision when I finish my SPM". Well, at least I knew what I was doing by taking my science stream ? I just got a feeling God wants me to work with science.
Cut long story short, it was getting nearer and nearer to getting my SPM results. Things are happening, all these are getting serious. And my mind stop couldn't make a definite decision. I've been talking to some of the people out there about choices and career paths. And yes I STRONGLY encourage everyone to do so, to ask around and at least have an exposure. Trust me, I gained a lot through all these. I actually get to know how different individuals with different family background think. I didn't know it would be that different, the advices they gave and everything, it's really an eye opening experience. And yeah I went on asking people whether I suit this career or not and I must say that asking part saved me. I didn't know my type of personality or even the me with this type of emotional, physical or even spiritual wouldn't really fit in some of the jobs. I got answers to some of my questions and yeah at least I was progressing bit by bit.
But yet I wasn't sure of what should I be. I must say I had a career path in my mind, but it just seems like the road ahead of me isn't that clear, I still have this blurry version. That career path I had in my mind is actually that ONE profession that many many people out there who knows me advices me to challenge myself since I was at this very young age. My piano teacher, my parents, church members, my friends and even some random lecturer who just happened to meet me that day (just by judging the way I walk) advices me to take up this ONE profession.
But yet I'm afraid that it wasn't God's plan and it didn't suit me. I want a clearer and more definite vision.
So for the last 4 months (after my SPM examination), I have been asking around what job suits me. My cousins came and I asked them, my aunts were also asked by me, all those experienced adults in church I have asked them too. And most of them told me to consider that ONE profession. Still that same ONE that was being told since young.
And after all the lecture given by each of them, all of them asked me to pray about it. To let GOD guide me.
That day still have to come. That day to face the reality, that day to receive that one paper which might change my future.
That night before 3rd of March, I was chatting with my table mates in school. We were not chatting about the things we usually do when we are free, this time we are discussing about serious issues- SPM results. After all these months, we haven't even spoken on which subject is tough but now out of so many days, we are actually facing the reality. I've a big confident that girl beside me would be getting her results on stage. Well, this girl actually seldom study and she is just that clever to ace every time. However, she said she thinks that both of us are getting the results together on stage. I am not confident to myself but she assured me that I will be getting straight As. I wasn't convinced.
I went to bed early that night, and I was lying down on my bed. "What should I be ?". Still that same question after all these years.
And there's when something came to my mind. And I don't know why this would come across my mind, I must say I'm always lacking of confidence in making promises like this, but I actually told God.
" Dear God, please let me know what You want me to be by the results You are blessing me with tomorrow. Please let me to have a really clear vision and to know what You want me to be. And through this profession, I would be able to serve the church and to serve You. "
And that's how I went to sleep that day without any worries. I would get really nervous every time when I have to get my results, like I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, I would be constantly thinking of it and actually hoping that our exam papers are missing on the way across the seas - yeap I'm that crazy. But this time, I just went sleeping soundly (even when I already took hours of nap that particular morning).
3rd of March. I woke up early to have a stroll in the park as usual. Everything went on so smoothly, as if it's just any other ordinary day. The results are supposed to be out at 10, where you can check them online but yeah I guess I'm kinda realistic, I want to know exactly which subject with which grade. Like I don't want to feel suspicious and unsure by just knowing the total grade but not what grade to what subject.
So I was pretty firm on not checking my results until I get the slip itself. According to the time table our school provide, we should be gathering in the school hall at 11. Then, there will a speech given by the headmistress till 11.10 and the straight As scorers and good academics students' name will be announced and finally students can get their results.
My initial thought was like, well let's go on time and I should give those students with good academics an applause for the hard work they have put in for the past few years. So I reached at 11.10, well I wasn't having an intention of skipping the speech presented by the headmistress but yeahh my friend there woke up late lol so we have to wait for her in order to fetch her to school.
But yeahh luckily by the time I reached, the headmistress also just reached with the stack of slips. Well, I guess there's some traffic jam on the way to get the result from the headquarters (?) I'm not even sure where they head to get the results. So I was sitting behind my twin brother and in front of Rose (don't get me wrong, it's a he, Rose is simply a nickname we came out with together). So you know students are always noisy whenever someone gives a speech, well graduated/ex students are practically the same too.
But one sentence caught my attention. And that one sentence actually changed my mood immediately.
"There's only two students with straight As this year in our school"
Okay again don't get me wrong. I didn't really expect myself to get straight As, mainly because I never got straight As before other than my UPSR which is years back and yeah one of the exams in standard 1 which is much more longer ago. The reason my heart sank is that, many people out there deserves to get straight As, they'd been studying everyday by putting in a lot of effort, there's like at least 10 + of them in my list who should get straight As. And if there's only 2 person getting straight As this year and there's like always over 10 people getting straight As in our school for the past few years, this simply means the exam this time is considered hard to ace.
I turned to my back and told Rose about it. Both of us went quiet. I have a feeling he have a similar thought like me too.
Finally, that moment everyone is waiting for has reached. Our counselling teacher announced that she would also announced students with 9As. Well, I actually salute students who take extra subjects hahaha, having to cope extra subjects like accounts, Chinese, geography etcetera.
And that's when I assure myself, your name wouldn't be announced, you've only taken 9 subjects. And in order for your name to be announced, you really have to get 9As which is also straight As in my case.
So yeah I wasn't expecting much.
As the names were being called out one by one, I started getting a little bit emotional. As if I'm their parents seeing your own children achieving their goals in life. I felt happy for them, proud of them. Am I too mature for my age hahaha.
And there's when all the names were finished calling. That last two booklet left.
"And now we're about to announce students with straight As."
I heard my name being called. But not from the mic, it's the voice from Rose sitting behind me. That guy who kept quiet for all this while actually spoke something at last. Trust me, he's been shouting my name like those cheerleaders when the whole hall was like in pin drop silence. I went on stopping him and shushing him. I admit I wasn't confident, well how could I get it when the top students in our grade didn't managed to get straight As too. I was always 20 something in the whole grade.
But yeahh you know when you have friends so crazy and that friend of yours somehow know you for like 2 whole years and we face each other almost everyday. Although it seems weird among Asian culture, but we practically talk about anything, from crushes to period :x So yeah he didn't stop this last chance from supporting me but seriously I don't have that confidence, what if my name was not spoken, major throw face sia. Like seriously very major. Because guess what, I was wearing class tee with my name at that in CAPITALS and it's like in font 100. Everyone would know who is he shouting about, and imagine how hard is it for me to hide my face (and name) if my name really wasn't called out.
...
My name really did get called. I admit I was stunned for like 2 seconds, the whole world seems like it has stopped working for that particular moment. I stood up with my legs are numbed from sitting with buckled up shoes. I walked to the front without any expression. My mind is definitely in a total blank. I'm like a controlled robot. I walked straight up the stage and head towards the headmistress. As both my hands were holding that booklet, only did I fully realize and came to some senses. It's me.
"Did you expect this ?" The headmistress asked.
"No" I answered.
Grateful. Probably the only feeling left in my heart. I'm grateful and thankful for everyone and everything that had happened in my life. I thank my parents for putting in so much of effort in raising me. I thank them for giving me the opportunity to make decisions in life. They always respected my point of view and would only give me better advices and they never force me. I thank them for all the encouragement and trust given to me. Thank you for never giving me stress in my academics, thank you for letting me to be independent for my own academics and to never scold me when I get bad grades. Thank you all for everything that you all have done. If it isn't the effort and everything that you all have put into that little girl who is clueless and oh so tiny when arrived in this world, there wouldn't be someone like me today.
I thank everyone around me. Those who are a part of this "project" by laying down this path towards this achievement I have today, thank you all for all the support given and the confidence you all have in me. Thanks for grooming me into a better person not only in academics but much other ways. I thank those who add in stones and thorns when I'm walking towards the finish line of my secondary school. Because of that, I am who I am today, strong and firm in walking this route.
Finally and most importantly, I thank for GOD's blessings. Thanks for blessing me abundantly although I'm not worthy. Thanks for guiding me throughout these 17 years. Thanks for answering my prayers by giving me a clearer vision of my career path.
I heard my name being called. But not from the mic, it's the voice from Rose sitting behind me. That guy who kept quiet for all this while actually spoke something at last. Trust me, he's been shouting my name like those cheerleaders when the whole hall was like in pin drop silence. I went on stopping him and shushing him. I admit I wasn't confident, well how could I get it when the top students in our grade didn't managed to get straight As too. I was always 20 something in the whole grade.
But yeahh you know when you have friends so crazy and that friend of yours somehow know you for like 2 whole years and we face each other almost everyday. Although it seems weird among Asian culture, but we practically talk about anything, from crushes to period :x So yeah he didn't stop this last chance from supporting me but seriously I don't have that confidence, what if my name was not spoken, major throw face sia. Like seriously very major. Because guess what, I was wearing class tee with my name at that in CAPITALS and it's like in font 100. Everyone would know who is he shouting about, and imagine how hard is it for me to hide my face (and name) if my name really wasn't called out.
...
My name really did get called. I admit I was stunned for like 2 seconds, the whole world seems like it has stopped working for that particular moment. I stood up with my legs are numbed from sitting with buckled up shoes. I walked to the front without any expression. My mind is definitely in a total blank. I'm like a controlled robot. I walked straight up the stage and head towards the headmistress. As both my hands were holding that booklet, only did I fully realize and came to some senses. It's me.
"Did you expect this ?" The headmistress asked.
"No" I answered.
Grateful. Probably the only feeling left in my heart. I'm grateful and thankful for everyone and everything that had happened in my life. I thank my parents for putting in so much of effort in raising me. I thank them for giving me the opportunity to make decisions in life. They always respected my point of view and would only give me better advices and they never force me. I thank them for all the encouragement and trust given to me. Thank you for never giving me stress in my academics, thank you for letting me to be independent for my own academics and to never scold me when I get bad grades. Thank you all for everything that you all have done. If it isn't the effort and everything that you all have put into that little girl who is clueless and oh so tiny when arrived in this world, there wouldn't be someone like me today.
I thank everyone around me. Those who are a part of this "project" by laying down this path towards this achievement I have today, thank you all for all the support given and the confidence you all have in me. Thanks for grooming me into a better person not only in academics but much other ways. I thank those who add in stones and thorns when I'm walking towards the finish line of my secondary school. Because of that, I am who I am today, strong and firm in walking this route.
Finally and most importantly, I thank for GOD's blessings. Thanks for blessing me abundantly although I'm not worthy. Thanks for guiding me throughout these 17 years. Thanks for answering my prayers by giving me a clearer vision of my career path.
