The last letter

- I’m writing this while I’m very much alive with no intention or wish to leave this world anytime soon. This letter is simply something I want to be read only when my time eventually comes.

If you’re hearing this, it means my time in this world has come to an end.

Who would have thought that this letter would become the last thing I leave behind?
It feels strange to write something so personal that is meant to be read aloud but yet not by me. I hope it reaches your heart exactly the way I mean it to. If you’re listening now, maybe this is my small way of holding your hand one last time.

I don’t want this moment to be heavier than it already is. Please don’t let guilt, regret, or “I should have” live in your heart.

Things happen. Life happens. It's okay.

What I really want you to remember is simple:
Life is short, unpredictable, sometimes painful, yet filled with tiny, beautiful moments that make everything worth it.

It’s the small things that stay with us: falling snow, a comforting meal, a hug that melts your stress, a quiet friend who listens, a hand reaching out in silence, a smile that lightens your day, the little victories you collect without even realizing it. Those are the real treasures.

So remember me through the love we shared, the laughter that made our days lighter and the moments we tried to make life a little happier for each other.

Don’t remember me as someone perfect or someone who had everything figured out because that was far from the truth. People may have seen me as cheerful or strong, the happy-go-lucky one, but my life was never always rainbows and sunshine. I had my shadows too. I struggled quietly, overthought until I couldn't sleep, cared too much, loved intensely, cried in silence, got hurt, healed, and somehow kept growing.

But through it all, I tried - to love, to show up, to help, to be sincere, to be present. And I hope in small ways, you felt that.

If losing me teaches you anything, let it be this:
Say what needs to be said while you still can.
Appreciate people before they turn into memories.
Live fully even when life looks imperfect.
And most importantly, be a blessing - not only to others, but to yourself too.

“Be a blessing” was always my little motto. People thought it meant being endlessly selfless but that’s not what I meant. Being a blessing doesn’t mean fixing everyone’s problems or carrying burdens that aren’t yours. It means choosing to bring warmth into the world - a kind word, a patient heart, a gentle presence. It means loving people sincerely even when the world feels cold.

But it also means treating yourself with that same softness: resting when you’re tired, forgiving yourself, speaking kindly to yourself, choosing peace over perfection, and giving yourself the love you freely give away. You truly deserve that.

Now that I’m no longer on this earth, please take care of each other, treasure the people who matter, and don’t be afraid to walk away from things, from people or versions of yourself that drain you. It’s okay to be emotional and sentimental, to take months or even years to heal.
It’s perfectly fine to trip, to pause or to lose your way a little. There’s no rule saying you have to hit certain milestones by a certain time. You’re exactly where you need to be.
You can cry when you need to and to celebrate when joy finally finds you again. Feel everything. Life is painful and still an amazing journey.

Whenever life feels unbearably heavy and everything seems to fall apart, please don’t lose faith. Even the smallest, most desperate prayer reaches God clearly. God is and always will be with you - step by step, breath by breath. His plans may confuse us, feel unfair or break our heart but He sees the whole story when we only see a moment.

He has guided you through storms you didn’t even realize He already calmed.
One day, when you look back, you’ll understand why certain things had to happen the way they did. And on that day, you will smile, not because life was easy but because God was faithful.

I hope you live well, like truly live well.
Carry the good forward, learn from the pain and always keep your eyes on something better ahead.

And before I go, I want to say I’m truly sorry for any wrong I may have done or for any hurt I may have caused. If my words or actions ever brought you pain, please know it may not be my intention and I ask for your forgiveness.

Thank you for being part of my journey.
Thank you for standing by me, even in ways you didn’t realize.

And most of all- remember me with warmth, never sorrow.

"dinner after talk" 14/8/25

This is a long-overdue confrontation. You’ve been asking why they think that way. A lot has been on my mind, and I’ve been torn between whether to say it or just leave certain things unspoken and filtered. At first, I was reluctant to go into it, after all, saying things that might hurt someone has never been my strength. And it wouldn’t feel right to twist the truth just to make it easier to hear. That wouldn’t do justice to what really happened, or to how I truly feel. But then again, it wouldn’t be fair to simply let you know the label they gave without giving you the context behind it.

You can always choose to take this lightly and I really do hope that, after this whole lengthy conversation, we’ll both be able to move forward from it and let it just be a lesson learnt hahaha.

I know I’m not great with words, which is why writing it down feels like the best way to express what I/they feel

Things trace back to many months ago when everything started and we somehow grew pretty close. At that time, I was in a phase of me being dumb. You began guiding me, teaching me for my assessment and offering direction to the lost "me" who has no idea what she wants in the future.

That sense of companionship meant a lot especially when I entered ENT and kept running into problems. Somehow, you became the person I’d turn to for help and to rant about life, rather than my own ENT colleagues, maybe to avoid any sense of bias or judgment from their side.

But things started to get a little complicated when people began making comments about us. I’m no guru, but it did make me pause and reflect—what is this between us?
Honestly, I didn’t read too much into it at first but when people started teasing and shipping us, it made me stop and think- was this really just a pure platonic friendship? Would friends go to such lengths for each other? I wasn’t even sure how I truly felt myself. I ended up talking to my cousin and my friend briefly about it (about how we often text/meet each other) which was probably not the best idea, I’m sorry for doing that without letting you know but I did try to not go into much details. They picked up on the fact that I might already have some feelings, and they felt that maybe the feelings were mutual from your side too. And their words stuck with me. I mean what if part of you did feel the same way too, even just for a moment?

Well as I think back, we did escalate pretty fast in a weird way. Hmm like what everyone says, someone who’s completely uninterested wouldn’t spend that much time together. The constant texting, lunches in the canteen almost every other day, those late-night phone calls that went on for hours about the most random things. The way you fed me food, the regular visits to my ward- even making the effort to come all the way from MOT to 5H, which isn’t exactly close. And then there’s those spontaneous trip ideas, and the random café dinners (which were fun, by the way).

Well naturally, it all became a little confusing.

They’ve come to the conclusion that 1. you might be playing me- hence they labelled you as a jerk/this relationship as a situationship, only seems to be taking advantages and not wanting any commitments. In better words, you might worry about changing the dynamic or complicating something that already works best for you as it is. So you leave it undefined, not knowing that all these acts do get misunderstood by not only me, but also by the people around us. Remember how everyone kept asking what’s between us and spreading rumours of us being a thing? That’s why they worry you’re just toying with my feelings while benefiting from me. After all, i think they think I’m naive and easily deceived. And as you lately like to quote “其实你是一个很好的女孩子” hahaha ok thanks for the compliment but erm interesting.

Or 2. you’re not fully aware of what you truly feel. Maybe you haven’t reflect on your emotions. You do like the company, the conversations, the emotional support. But when it comes down to romantic attraction or wanting to take things further, you’re uncertain. That uncertainty might come from not having that spark you expect or from not knowing what you truly want right now. Well 或许 你我都真的不知道你头脑在想什么 哈哈

Or 3. you are gay. 

I have to admit, after we had the “clarity” conversation, you asked me, “should we stop communicating?” that question hit me differently. I don’t even remember how the conversation ended, but I do remember how heavy it felt for both of us. I went home and was really thinking about it - what started off as a simple, genuine friendship got a bit more complicated once overthinking/misunderstanding kicked in lol. 

Since I had already developed feelings for you, things became difficult for me, especially at the start. It was confusing and felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster. Not the most obvious thing since I don’t think u noticed hahaha. Well I didn’t even realise how deep I’d fallen into it all until I had to sit down and sort through my emotions from slowly ‘transforming’ u from a crush to a friend hahaha. Letting go of the feelings wasn’t easy. I kept going back and forth, wondering if I should just listen to her advice—be stone cold, cut things off completely, very typical of the block and move on kind of move. But that felt harsh. Maybe it wouldn’t affect you as much (except that you have to find someone else to punch in and out for work haha), but for me, it felt too brutal to handle. I really don’t think friends should end up like that. 

And honestly, even after knowing you didn’t feel the same, I can’t say I already truly moved on, sis is trying ok. I tried to convince myself it was just a phase, something I could brush off. But u still crossed my mind more than I want to admit. And u had to always ask me “when do you want to find a boyfriend?”, well that’s a very difficult question to answer when I still haven’t fully settled our issues. And with everyone teasing and making assumptions of both of us being a thing, it only made it harder to separate what was real from what wasn’t. I wasn’t holding onto false hope, but it was hard letting go of something that once felt so genuine and easy. Just because the feelings weren’t mutual doesn’t mean they didn’t matter.