explanation
for all these while of being MIA, i think it's time that you deserve a proper explanation.
i strongly know that you would never ever be able to read this post and i'd been trying to escaping ever since all these happened, something that i didn't mention to anyone except one of my closest cousin. but i think it's time that i'm mentally ready to write down everything so that i wouldn't make the same mistake again.
i would say it's approximately a bit more than a year ago that we suddenly got so close, we have no intention of having feelings for each other at the very start. like every story, we started off as normal friends.
i guess things accelerated fast, we became really close due to many similarities among each other. we became closer and closer up till a point that you were there for me when no one could understand me. i am always thankful that you were there when i cry so badly at night due to the overloading stress.
you called me the princess, and you wanted me to learn to grow.
i wouldn't say i wouldn't be who i am now without you, but i would definitely need more time and learn the harder way if it weren't you.
they always say when you chat too much and too frequent with a girl, she will have feelings for you, i guess its too true to deny. i have to admit i started having feelings for you but as usual, i'm always too timid to speak out.
all these went on for a few months, we meet each other quite often and we had a few dinners together, i have to say i always look forward to your replies each time.
but i sincerely think that you just treat me as a friend or at most a sister. you know they say girls' minds are hard to guess, trust me, us girls can be clueless towards guys too. you gave me no clue of what were you actually thinking.
i guess i was just too slow to realize.
this hanging feeling is torturing me silently, yeap you won't know how hard it is to cope through all these alone. i didn't dare to confess anything to you because i didn't know how.
i'm starting to feel hopeless towards 'us'. you even made me think that maybe it'd never been an 'us' thing but a 'you and I' thing.
i told myself to let go, i should already be happy that someone i started having feelings for is actually close to me, maybe it's better to just remain as friends.
my brain says stop but my heart is disappointing me. i really start to tone down my feelings for you, but the way i act towards you, i have to admit it didn't change. i'm too comfortable being around you that i would unintentionally care a bit too much for you compared to others, and that i would unknowingly being a bit too cute to you (at least that's what you said).
wrong timing is what i like to describe the story between you and i.
when i was about to tone down this whole thing after months of struggles, you started liking me, i can really feel it. the feeling is so strong that i start to get frustrated, "why now when i'd already bro zoned you?"
you were selfish. too selfish i would say.
when you started liking me, you didn't asked me the permission to do all that, to be too obvious in this whole thing that it started making me getting annoyed secretly. i didn't like how you use different actions to "announce" your feelings towards me in front of the crowd and making me hard to reject. it did make me awkward. well i'm okay if this whole confession thingy is just between the two of us, but in front of so many people, seriously?
you could have at least be concerned of my feelings, you aren't even sure whether do i like you. (fyi when i like someone, it's never obvious). but all you did was your own way that even some of my friends around me couldn't stand the way you act.
i started getting tired as this drama repeating so frequently, its sad how we started off as friends and then to close friends and then to someone i start to have feelings for and then you became someone who i get annoyed of.
and when i tried to hint you of making things in a better way, you said that you don't deserve someone so good like me.
what do you even want? mentally making me uncomfortable but not making things clear? trying to make everyone thinks that i play hard to get and indirectly stopping every other guys to be close to me?
being an introvert to most of the people, i didn't like all these at all. i feel awkward constantly and i didn't like the attention. all these actually sustained for quite some months.
and then there was this very day that you decided to use actions to "announce" your feelings towards me for like at least 4 times in front of different group of people.
you had no idea how disappointed was i of your cowardness, always not brave enough to speak out or asking my opinions but making the whole world thinks that we are way more than friends.
who do you think you are, running around leaving scars
and that wasi when i had to make that very decision.
i decided to remain silence to everything.
i realized that no matter how much i get annoyed by you, i am still the type of person that tries not to hold grudges and to think of the bright side. i was always the cheery one that started all of our conversations, even though i had no intentions and show no feelings towards you, but i'm always the talkative one that says “hi how are you" every time we meet.
i will reply you but i have to be like how normal humans treat a normal friend, one that only gives short replies and being less myself. i will only be close to you again when we settle down knowing that we are just close friends and that maybe we weren't the one for each other. i decided that i couldn't just bro zone you but to reduce our friendship level to the max.
well, i really did as planned and to be honest, it hurts knowing that i'm taking a huge risk that we might never even be friends again.
it's surprising how you didn't took any initiative to talk to me even when i am your crush at that moment. i'm again disappointed by your cowardness, do i always have to be the one approaching you? but what is decided have to be done, and i believe that way was the best for us, well at least for me to know my priorities and feel less stress having an extra problem.
days went by, we had no conversations between each other, months went by, nothing happened.
something is not right. everything is going downhill, well at least to you.
you started getting depressed, so depressed that you began not being your usual self. you reacted differently in a bad way to everything around you. you started not being close to people we both are close with, leaving them clueless. you started being more timid even though you weren't any very confident person from the start. you changed.
i still chose to remain silence, i didn't know what to do and i don't want to worsen the situation to make you feel more heart broken.
i have to admit that even till today, we are still the same, treating each other a bit better than enemies but worse than strangers. no words are spoken towards each other.
i know you felt betrayed, i know i did had my fair amount of wrongdoings and selfishness too.
i'm sorry for being 'irresponsible' and for the decision i had to make, one that ruins everything. i sometimes regret being too kind and caring that it made me wonder "is it actually wrong to be good hearted towards someone?"
but you had your part of selfishness and childishness too. if you did not do all the actions publicly, maybe, just maybe, we could have been together already. if you actually started conversations after i made that decision, we could have been close friends.
if you'd ask me and give me the choice to make a decision again, i don't hate or regret for the decision i've made of remaining silence and i would do the same again.
but
if you'd ask me do i regret having feelings for you, i do regret. if i had the choice to start all over again, i would prefer all these to slower down a bit and that we can be close friends.
it'd been almost 6 months since we actually had a proper conversation, you have no idea how your constant anonymous post on social media has become an "invisible thread" telling me that even up till today my acts could still make you being wounded. thanks for constantly torturing me every month or so.
with all the post that you have 'dedicated' for me, you actually did successfully make me have countless moody nights, feeling guilty and lost. and that somehow you made me got afraid of falling in love again, afraid that i would hurt another innocent soul.
i have to admit that reading your posts did made me hated myself at the very start, you said you had a hard time, but trust me i had my share of hard times too. it took me some time to cope through everything and to realize that i'm not the only culprit in this whole thing.
it's always a two way thing that every decision one made could affect the whole thing and i believe that this absolute failure in love life for both of us is caused by both of us.
