two zero one four

2014. Last day of 2014 before it is gone forever. Let's just say 2014 is a wonderful year.

Well comparing the me last year and this year, obviously I haven't grown any taller or maybe just that 1cm, I hope. Aihh didn't shrink can le lmao, get used to people calling me short alrd, even my cousins first greeting when we meet each other would be 'Still that short arhh?' SIMI SAI. Other than that, yeahh I don't remember that I was that fat last year compare to this year hahahah. Guess I have to get myself a new plan on losing weight next year lmao. 

Except for those physical appearance, I find myself going into a deeper thinker this year. Like I'm not really that talkative anymore. I would really choose to think and yeahh dream. I would rather cuddle in my bed reading a novel for hours. Not to mention that sleeping is also an essential hahaha. Many things bothered me this year, from A to Z. And I've actually learnt that it doesn't make any differences telling it out, so that makes me kinda mute and went on thinking the ways to solve it. Like all those problems and sorrows turnt out to be buried deep in my heart. No one else can solve it, it's your problem not theirs. So yeah I'd spent time writing them down in my diaries. That's the only way I could get to pour all of 'em out to 'someone' that would help me remember my past and yeahh that would also make me feel better when I talk about it, you know what I mean ?

What I miss the most this year around ? I think it's the time when us cousins sit together and actually talk about the times when we were still kids or even babies. I mean we see each other growing up from a teeny weeny baby and I must say that it really is a good thing if you have cousins around your age. Really the best thing ever. Like they are our very first best friends that would last so long. No matter how many quarrels and fights we have gone through, we would just be back to how it should be the very next day or even after an hour ! Now that we've all grown up, meeting each other is like getting rarer and rarer. Twice a year is already considered lucky for us. After this time around, we wouldn't know when are we meeting up again. It's always that hard to say. Hahaha remember the times when we would cry whenever farewells, but now we would just keep it in our heart. What could we do ? That camp 20 + days ago was simply really memorable after not meeting each other for a year or so. That 4 days of camp really does help makes us closer to each other. It's all so meaningful at that split second, all of it reminds us of our childhood. Playing games together, eating together in the same table, teasing each others, all of it. Can we simply turn back time ? Or maybe make time goes faster until we meet again hahaha.

Studies actually went on quite well this year. Yeah I am always that lazy to study earlier. So what I did was I would just wait until the day right before exams, or I could say the night before exams. You see I still don't have the mood to study in the afternoons but you know shit gets real when it comes to night time and you don't know what's going on in that entire subject. Nah, I won't sacrifice much of my sleep on exams, well I will but I have that feeling and fear that I might faint or fall asleep the next day in the examination hall. So I just simply read through my notes for 3 hours ? Maybe lesser than that. Haizz lazy bump ehh ? I think that have to also thank that I actually would try to concentrate when teachers are teaching and yeahh jotting down notes from time to time although sometimes I don't even understand them. So yeahh this year's exams' results went on smooth like even more than I expected and I really have to thank God's blessings and help on that, if not I would definitely be in deep shit. Though I know it's really risky to only study at the last minute and although at times or I could say most of the time I would regret on nothing studying earlier but yeahh the study earlier thingy never happened haizz. So I guess that's my new year's resolution hahaha.

Friendship. It went on quite well although there's some problem in the beginning and the middle I assume. But I think now so far our friendship is already considered really good. Everything went on pretty well. Those gifts also did went on well surprisingly hahahaha. I think there really is lots of blogposts earlier that I wrote before and it makes me feel like I would repeat the same thing by writing here again haha. So go flip back and read larhh. 

Dreams. In the coming year, yeahh I'm going to try my best to achieve the dream I've finally found after all these years. Although it may seem impossible but yeahh I've gone through all sorts of problems throughout all these years and God is always there for me and I believe I would achieve this too with His help. A dream that would help not only me, the community and God too.  

Health. Thank God for His guidance and blessings for giving me such good health. Although there is a problem I'm facing now but yeahh I'm sure God would guide me in making that choice. I guess all those worries I once had is all relieved now, well at this moment, let's just see what will happen next. Well, I pray for better health in the coming year. 

Church. Next year was indeed a big year on having lots of plan for the year end's Malaysia plus Singapore's Youth camp. I pray for God's guidance in giving our church the strength to make it successful and memorable and all the glory are to the Lord. Other than that, I hope I'm capable in able to help out in the sabbath school and youth club. Being the secretary in both these departments really is a brand new experience to me and it really is my first time having able to carry these responsibility. 

I guess all these comes to an end now. It's always that fun countdown-ing with a bunch of church members ehh ? 

Bye 2014. Hello 2015 ! Nights all. 

眼神

昨天 圣诞节的晚上 不知怎么的 我在梦里看见了你。好久没梦见你了，更不用说见面了 这样看也应该有两年了吧？梦里看见你时，你那眼神 好冷淡 我说不出啊，你好比认识我 又好比不认识，傻傻地看着我。那一秒 我真的不知要做什么，想向你挥挥手 可你又在做工应该不什么方便，况且 你那眼神 好像在想什么。我告诉自己 不可能。你一定认得我。我们不是前几年像好朋友那样吗？就在那一秒，我连忙把脸别去别边 眼睛不再看着你。一直以来 我以为我能够完全放下了，我错了。口口声声说什么 把你忘了，不要再想起我们之间的回忆了，可当下 我一看见你时 我好想好想我们能回到以前 就以前的我们那样。你忘了我。你那空虚的眼神。你同事有礼貌地指着我 告诉你还有多一个客人时，你就那样愣愣地看着我，其实你那表情明显地告诉我 你忘了我。我当时 好想把你摇醒 并大声喊着骂着 到底是谁给你吃药 吃到记忆都没啦。你不可能忘了我。记得人 可是你的拿手。你不可能把我忘了 绝对不可能。我当时好想 拿起手机 给你打个信息 告诉你 我那年对你的所有感情。可 我没力了啊。你那眼神告诉我 你现在只把我当成对你们公司 对你们产品有兴趣的顾客，可 你知道吗 我把我头别过去的那一刻 我的眼神也出卖了我 其实我一直以来都很想你。

A promise

Have you ever done something for this world ? When was actually the last time you did something for the others ? Are you always thinking about how to achieve your own success in your life only ? Have you ever spare some time to serve God ?

I don't know how do you think but all these questions keep on popping out in my mind lately. 

I've been already 16 years old this year, but after all the calculations I did, I believe that all the time accumulate together that I spare out to serve the world, the society and most importantly God, it actually didn't really exceed 168 hours which is equivalent to a week. 

I am really glad that I am born in an Adventist background. Ever since I was a month old, I go to church every Saturday. A church is a training ground to teach you all these stuffs, I remembered the first time I went on stage to present a special number when I was only 4, the first time I presented a speech was when I was at the age of 9, at the age of 10 I went to visit a centre full of handicapped kids and also I learnt to play the piano for the church, I was only 14 when I first served someone needy. All this just came in one after another, continuously giving me time to train myself for the future. I thank my mother for bringing me along to church since young age, and I would never hesitate but to also make the same choice as my mum if I were given a choice. If it isn't that church, I wouldn't have the courage to stand on top of the stage and to speak something, I wouldn't even think that I'm able to learn so many survivor skills and to also know music, most importantly, I wouldn't have such heart to think about serving the others. I really am glad and proud to say that our church is actually doing a great job in bringing us up as an individual that practice on serving the others and not to only live for yourself. 

You see it really is an important concept to know that you can't just live for yourself. Okay you may get a degree or even get a master and ended up having the title of PhD or something but what's the use of it ? You can possibly earn what you need or even earn the whole world but then, you must always remember that you are actually owing everyone to help you in your success. Yeahh, you are smart and whatsoever but you see you need to thank your mum and dad for giving birth to you and also giving you this family and all your needs. You also need a teacher to teach you. You need that friend to help you when you are in need. You need that enemy who teaches you how to stand up for yourself whenever you faced a problem. You need to thank that doctor who saved your life a hundred times. Thank the community to give you a warm feeling. You need that hug and soft encouragements when you are down. You need God for always leading your way and to always let you know that He will always be there whenever you need it. Everyone around practically did a little of this and that to help you, if it isn't them giving you all these, I believe that I won't be alive until today. All of them have the responsibility to each put in a bit of colors into my life. 

Try to imagine the time when your mum deliver you out as a baby. Don't tell me she didn't go through any pain throughout the labor, I believe that no one else are willing to bear those pain except for those mothers out there, she doesn't have any sickness or anything but why would she bear it ? Why ? Because she loves you. It's just that simple. Remember the time when your parents carried you from hospitals after hospitals when you are sick ? Staying up late at night just to make sure you are comfortable ? Why did they do so ? Because they love you. Remember the time when Jesus died on the cross for you and me and every single one of us ? Why did he do so ? He is the king of kings and the Lord of Lords in heaven but why does he needs to sacrifice for all of us to be a humble human and to be crucified on the cross. Why ? Because He loves us. It's all always that simple. 

- - - 

16 years. 16 years of experiencing unconditional love. 16 years of going through tons of care and love. 16 years of miracles happening one by one. 16 years of blessings upon me. What favour did I ever did to return all these throughout this 16 years ?

It's already holiday since a month ago. And then on like all the other holidays, people would be making goals and resolutions to be completed in this holidays. Goals on studying hard to reach a certain level of success, to play a certain video game until you reach the maximum stage, to watch a hundred tv movies, to complete playing a new piece on the piano etc. But not long after the holiday started, I made a choice on having a new and different wish. I just wish that I could spare some time to help the others and to serve God. Thanks to God's preparation, he led me to work out as a volunteer in helping others to do free health screening, to also spread the importance of health and those health messages to the people around us. Trust me, it seems to be just an ordinary job but you know what, this is one of the most memorable and meaningful holiday to me. I definitely had learnt a lot in going out almost every week to help them. Yeapp, it may seems like the most simplest thing to do, to just register whoever that comes for a visit. But you know what ? I learnt a lot, I learnt how to communicate with them, to get to know them, to care about them, to counsel them, to spread health message to them and so on. And do you know the very second when they say goodbye and to hope to wish that they could see me again the next month, that feeling is really touching that they really do show encouragements and supports to what we are doing to the others. Those sincerity really do give us the motivation to go on. 

I really thank God for also finally answering my prayers and also the burden and doubts that I had throughout all these years, 10 years. I finally made a choice on what I would want to be in the future. After all these years, I had participated lots of career workshops, getting countless of advices and so on. But finally I think I got a calling about it. I remember crying for many nights being unsure of my career path. Getting really scared of people asking me such questions. I remember over stressing myself and to feel really depressed well sort of (I get depressed over lots of stuffs actually) over these matters. I remember blaming myself for not having a goal since young - a goal that would change my life completely. And then after the camp that I went two days ago, I got my answers for everything. An answer that actually satisfied all my needs. An answer that would definitely make sure that I have extra 1/10 of my time or maybe more to help the others and to serve God. You may be wondering, why 1/10 ? Well, there's this person who told me that if you don't have 1/10 for the others and also for God, it means that you are living for yourself. 1/10 seems to be a small amount of fraction. But hey, I lived till 16 which makes it around 1 year 7 months, isn't it a lot if it is counted this way. Of course we could give out more of it, and I am sure we should. But as minimal as that, we should spare out 1 over 10 of our time. So yeah back to the topic, that camp was probably the best camp ever because it actually leads me to my future. Okay get it clear, that camp I just went isn't any career workshop or anything to do with giving me an idea on what should I be in the future. But why I somehow thought about this ambition is that I am not sure about how I got it also, I guess it's something that has been telling me about it deep inside my heart. I have been thinking of what can I do for the world and the community and God, and that's when an appeal came towards me, a calling that told me all the answers. Then on, I made a choice, with my tears rolling down my cheek, my nose being all sniffly, I finally do make a choice on my future. Those tears are definitely a mixture of happiness and excitement, one that shows me that I could finally do something for the others. Finally after 10 years, I could change my burdens into the burden of achieving it and to also help the others. 

All these time, I was always spending my holidays in other countries, with my cousins, or the worst was being all bored and cranky throughout the whole one and a half month. But this holiday was probably the holiday that would be the most important ones to me and to also change my life forever. And I would strive for my best to achieve this commitment I've made. 

Stop thinking about all those I(s) and me(s), try thinking about what you could do for God.

A silent promise between just me and God, without anyone interfering it. 

I miss y'all

嗯 我想你们

不知为什么，最近 我总是在想你们，想回我们一起长大的那些点点滴滴、我们一起经历的傻事、我们一起旅行过的地方、我们一起玩的游戏，就我们所做过的一切事。或许 你们会觉得我只是说说罢，可是 我这是说真的 我真的想你们了。怎么说呢 ? 我不知道你们如何，但在我想回以前的回忆时、听回以前儿时的歌、看回一些旧 conversation 时，我总会有一种 呃 我也不知怎么准确地说的感受。一种复杂的感受，一种有着遗憾但却有带着一丁点幸福的那种感受。就 我也不清楚怎么跟你解释，但这种感受其实我常常都会有。嗯 我就天天在有着这种感受想着你们。

我甚至想说要去新加坡住 至少我们可以每个星期见面 呵呵。我真的很想哦，唉 等我读好书 去那里读大学。放心 我不会去霸占你们的房间的，只不过 你们得带我去吃好料哦 还有在我生日时买好多好多礼物给我，就算你们说什么要考到什么成绩才肯，我一定会拼我的老命读好书的 哈哈。但是 要知道你这个表妹/表姐 读书是比较懒啦，你们也一样好不好 哈哈，所以哦 我没考好成绩 也是要请我吃大餐啊。我考不好成绩也很伤心的 所以你们也要请我吃东西来安慰我 哈哈哈。

其实我觉得我们都很幸福，有很多人小时候都没什么同年龄的亲戚、永久玩伴，我们从小就一起长大，你我看着他出世 陪着他成长。虽然长大的路途上 都有翻脸吵架的时候，但其实 一颗糖子 一个玩具 就可以回复我们之间的不满了。嗯 至今我们还是那么的要好，我们之间什么都可以聊 都不会觉得尴尬，自己喜欢的对象 或许只有你可以一一列出、从小到大 之间做过的那些丢脸事 或许你最清楚、买给互相的礼物 或许我们最明白 父母亲都得听我们的 。嗯 我们之间 从小到大 都有着互相的陪伴，都至少从未分离过。虽然我们离对方都很遥远，我们常常会吵着父母要到对方的家住几天。嗯 有着与自己差不多年龄的亲戚 真的很幸福，或许是我们的爸爸妈妈给我们侄儿 侄女 儿子 女儿 其中最美丽的礼物了。

有你们 我从小到大都有着许许多多幸福快乐的回忆。

翻回我与哥哥刚出生时的时候，你过几天就来看我们了。嗯 我出生在槟城，你呢 就住在新加坡。从新加坡到槟城要至少 9 个小时，当时你都还没 10 个月。你当时一定很奇怪 并很厌烦 为什么要坐这么久吧 ？就这样 你就多了两个弟弟妹妹了。嗯 照片里的你 真的很可爱 哈哈 我与表妹真的比较坏，我们俩说你小时候可爱 但是 女大十八变 哈哈哈 虽然你不是女的。我们觉得你现在丑了 哈哈哈 好啦 其实 你不会很丑，就还好咯 可是你小的时候真的真的超可爱。其实也得感谢你吧，大家都知道 要不是你那么可爱 阿姨也不会想说要生个表妹给我们玩吧。应该说阿姨 没打算生个孩子吧 所以也得感谢你小时候那么可爱 要是你现在这个样子 赫赫 或许 表妹不会出现了吧 ？开玩笑而已啦 哈哈。嗯 照片里的你就好开心 好兴奋地看着我们，有时 你就那么可爱嘛。我们就这样满月时 搬来雪兰莪，这样我们之间的距离就更靠近了 见面的机会越大了。差不没几个月都会见面吧。照片里有你第一次推我们在婴儿车上睡着的照片，有你与我们一起去公园一起玩的照片，我们第一次一起去海滩玩沙的照片，第一次一起游泳的照片，第一次一起拥抱的照片，一起亲嘴的照片，一起排排坐的照片等。小时候的回忆真多啊，有些甚至到现在都没机会 甚至不好意思做了。人生中许许多多的第一次都是与你一起经历的吧 ？

嗯 我们三个人就变得四个人了。对 就是那位表妹出世了。得承认 我们三个起初还不什么惯。没办法啊，我们三个都是同年龄的，突然来个小我们两岁的小妹妹，怎么习惯啊 ？哈哈 我们当时真的很疼你呢 呵呵 你又很贪吃咧，什么饼干递去你的前头 你都会吃进嘴。我们几个就好兴奋 看到一个 会一直吞东西的机器 哈哈哈。嗯 到现在 我们还会讨论这事 你也叫你自己是个 小乌龟。其实啊 你一岁生日是跟我们俩过的啊 哈哈 当时还受了伤呢 嗯 你小时候 爱蹦蹦跳跳 有一天就不小心把自己的下巴往桌子给敲了 流了血 也有淤青。当时 你只随着照顾你的那个阿姨从新加坡来我们家，妈妈当时有事没办法跟随。就这样 妈妈天天通电话 来问候你的伤势 哈哈 伤势好像讲到很严重这样。也就这样 我们几个就替你庆祝了你的第一个生日。你当时穿着一件好美的粉色裙子 你笑得好开心 见牙不见眼呢。

表妹出世后的过两年 mei mei 就出世了，嗯 表哥很开心 终于有着自己的妹妹了，平时只能一个星期看表妹一次 几个月看我们一次。现在 终于有着自己的妹妹了。她呢 是最小的嘛，其实 最小的就一定是被宠坏的那一个嘛。嗯 她小我们几年 父母亲 阿姨们 都把她看成宝那样对待。我们几个就也挺疼她的，只不过她玩的东西 都是我们以前玩的东西啊。她还在玩一些洋娃娃时，我们却都已经在用积木比赛建房子了。我们很小就会一起去儿童班。她就比较可怜了，比我们小整四年嘛 去的班也自然不同了。我们四个就去不同的班，她呢就一个人。因此直到今天 除非在她自己的教会，否则 她宁可跟她爸爸妈妈一起去成人班坐着自个儿玩。父母亲也清楚知道 我们四个是比较分不开的，每当我们去那些游乐场或什么时，我们一定要做同一个车子。我们四个都会一起玩自己的东西，嗯 当然她有时会掺我们玩。

小时候 其实我们三个 在 mei mei 还没出世以前，都不什么爱跟 表妹玩，不知怎么总是有种莫名的少许排斥。就 不知为什么，样样 都不什么爱跟她玩。mei mei 出世后 也一样。可是 大一点后，我们几个就一起不什么喜欢 mei mei 了。这原因我们都知道。因为 她就被宠坏啊，只要她一哭，一定是大哥被骂。大哥可是和我们俩兄妹很好感情的呢，我们当然也不爽啊。此外，她 总是比较自私，她得不到的东西 她非要得到，然后 她就不会与我们分享了。记得有一个早上，我们三个就很快吃完早餐了，当我们要玩游戏电动时，她一直不肯把另一个遥控器让给我们。我们求了她很久，甚至把这件事告诉爸爸妈妈，她的妈妈劝了劝她 她也不肯让给我们玩。她还没吃完早餐啊，就这样一手拿着面包，一手拿着遥控器。就这样我们玩输了，一个遥控器怎么能玩赢啊 ？

长大后，我们也渐渐脱离了这一切的想法，对我们之间都没偏见了。始终，我们还是亲戚嘛。这血缘关系是现实啊，改不了的。就这样 我们也都对互相有着强大的信任，对互相有了那份深厚的兄弟姐妹关系。

我们几个 可以因着一个我们其中一个想去的地方 一起陪他去，就算多丢脸 我们也就随便投诉一下 最后也必不得已去了。我们可以隔着一个屏幕 在另一个世界 谈话，就连我什么都不说却在这一边笑得简直快疯了的时候 你们也知道。随便说说要他们当地的零食，他们也会替我买。我们可以一起玩一个电脑游戏 并合组比赛，明知自己那组会输 可是 还很不要脸地说自己厉害。脸皮可以超级厚地要其中一个人请吃，并一起去附近的店铺买零食，回来后却很不要脸抢着把那几包零食吃完。我们可以躲起来 等着老大找我们，嗯 他看似紧张 怕我们几个会不见 但他又不想破坏我们的躲藏游戏，就只好没多久就远远看着我们 看见我们还在那儿 就当着每一回事 继续配合我们的游戏。嗯 大哥是这样的吧 ？每当我们几个做错事时，一定是大哥被骂 哈哈 真的挺可怜他的。要是 我们面对什么困难时 一定是第一想到对方能否处理，不知为什么 总觉得我们之间背叛 出卖不了啊，始终是从小玩到大的玩伴啊。从小 我们都有学钢琴，不知为什么每当在教堂时 都会一起比说谁弹得比较好。小时候 我们做过的那些事 不是什么人都会明白 不是什么人都会觉得好笑。我们几个一起挨骂，一起被惩罚 的那些日子 说不定只有你我才记得当中的细节。曾经盖过对方的电话 也没有改掉我们之间的感情。曾经因一些小事而打得对方生气至想要绝交，过一两天也复合了。曾经一起玩转圈圈 玩得把头大力地敲向钢琴，大哥真怕我头会发生什么事又怕我会哭 也怕跟我玩的表妹会挨骂 哈哈 连忙来安慰我，其实我们都玩到痛都不理会了。曾经连合不爽某个人，过后也不都和好了。我们从小每次见到对方时 一定是要五个人睡一间房间 或一起睡客厅 哈哈 至少可以玩个够嘛，有时是四个人而已啦 唉 阿姨放不下心让 mei mei 跟我们睡 因为 她始终是那种很夜才能入睡的人。

我们曾经做过一个约定，我们都会参加任何新加坡与马来西亚的营会，这说不定是我们唯一能见面的时候了。因为这种营会每一年都一定会有至少一次啊。说到约定，其实小的时候我们都曾经 做过个约定 这约定父母亲都知道，每次圣诞节 都得一起买 gingerbread 哈哈，大了后才发现 嗯 我们见面的次数不像以往那么多了。

那些我们曾经做过的那些点点滴滴 我们都还记得。

我们都想返回以前那天真无邪的生活 当时根本没烦恼啊 又能常常见面。现在 我们各自的时间表都满满的，满都是补习及课外活动等。

或许 我们都长大了吧。都有着自己的梦想，更需要向那标杆往前跑。

嗯 还有多三天帐篷大会就开始了，到时候 我们五个就能再一次见面了。

---

let's just fast forward time and pause at that exact scene forever

Phobia

noun

1. A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.

2. A strong fear, dislike, or aversion.

Phobia. Well I guess I have quite a number of it that people actually don't know. But you know as life goes on longer, all these phobias just increase in numbers tremendously. So all these are just what I know as far as I know.

1. I'm afraid of needles and surgery knifes. Either on having injections or having to do any surgeries. That's one of my biggest fear ever. I had dengue when I was around standard 3, and it actually hurts quite a lot when the doctor have to put in those IV line thingy, like some medicine and water drip into my body through my hand. That needle is so thick and it has to be poke through my skin. Those feels though. And you know, when I went for my first blood redrawing then to check whether I'm free from it already which is just actually a small needle poke into my finger as I was just a kid then, so they actually just had the chance to get the minimal blood amount they need. Yeah, I vomited right after it. Maybe I also have the phobia of looking at blood. but in specific, looking at my blood being drawn. In a way that I won't go dizzy and stuffs when it's OTHER'S people's blood. Yeahh, a bit selfish here hahah. As in those wounds and cuts I wouldn't be afraid larhh, those serious ones only. And there goes me having my first HPV vaccine (if I'm not mistaken), I actually had a really hard time queuing for it in school and I actually nearly cried HAHAHAHA. I admit I got cry larhh, like when the needle goes in that moment, however the second and third same vaccines doesn't hurt as much as the first one, I don't know whether it's psychological problem or what lahh hahaha. I said before if I have ever been given a chance to wait her do house chores a hundred days or to either go give different speeches a thousand times, I would also not go get an injection. I don't know but it's just that I am actually thinking about how would I live on with no surgeries in life. Like will I not bear a child of my own then ? Will I die before I have to face all those sickness on life that requires all the surgeries and injections or even blood redrawing. Haizz, all of these really scares me off real lot. I can actually stay awake for like days just because of that fear. Hahaha it really is funny how someone that big would be afraid of what they call it a micro or maybe pico atom of it. 

2. I am actually afraid of roller coasters and a lot of land-rides but I am not afraid of water slides. I don't know, I found out this phobia when I was in Hong Kong Ocean Park. And that roller coaster is really too scary for a 9 year old. It seriously goes down perpendicularly, perpendicularly as in 90 degrees. And it goes all the way down and it comes straight up 1 inch before reaching the ocean. I'm not being over reacting but it's true. And it goes up and down for like at least a solid 9 times. Oh yeah and those cable cars with just a minimal safety close up and it actually leaves you as in like you are just sitting on a chair and you have no place to put your leg. Those type of cable cars ride is so scary. I don't even think it's called cable car though. Cable cars are more safety like you are trapped inside a globe, not just dangling in the air.

 

So that's one of the reason why I seldom go amusement park as I actually prefer going to Disneylands or universal studios as yeah at least got shows what. I don't mind going both that places the second time though, but honestly Disneyland more fun larhh actually hahah. 

3. I'm also afraid of fire and boiling water. That's the reason why I'm active in all experiments except those that needs Bunsen burner's involvement, yeah I would just watch the show from not too far yet not too near. Not too far actually for the sake of practical marks though. I guess all these comes from a story when I was 10 I think ? On Christmas Day then, I boiled water to prepare tea for my dad. After the water is boiled which is like no one freaking deal with the degree celcius of it but I bet it's over 100 as you know those electronic kettle will exceed the boiling point. And yeahh I accidentally poured the freaking hot water on my right hand. And trust me, IT IS SUPER DUPER PAIN. I'm not lying but we were in Penang Shangri-La hotel then, and my dad had to rush to the nearest clinic for it. You know even my skin peeled off and I seriously have no intention to take a look but my brother told me that he could see my bones I DONT KNOW WHETHER HE IS LYING OR NOT until my mum says the wound is quite deep. Probably the most memorable Christmas ever :') I had to put a bandage on for like a month though. There isn't any scars now because my mum applied some scar serum if not my whole right hand would look like I don't know how to describe.

4. I'm having a little phobia on rats. It is really really scary to see them running around. No kidding. I ain't afraid of any insects but I am afraid of rats. I also don't know why but I saw this television show and there is a part when thousands of rats are released and they were locked in a room. Deyhhh, you don't know how disgusting it is. That's also one of the reason why this lazy bump here tidy up her room quite often hahaha I'm actually afraid that one day I have to share the same bed with them. Although my bed could fit up double my size but no, not a single thought of sharing with them.

5. I have also a phobia on watching disgusting censored movie. As in when people were being murdered bit by bit, torture them in a long time. It is so disgusting and cruel. And I don't like the movie 'saw', it's really very very disgusting. Those choices made are really frightening and cruel. ALL OF THEM. I am definitely not a fan of it, no second thoughts.

6. I actually do have a phobia last time in going to school, my primary school though. And I think that I do still have a phobia to meet those teachers especially those who is fierce and strict. I don't like waking up for school last time, I prefer weekends a lot. Like those homework given are so comparable to a hill. And you know that fear of going to school getting scolded because of bad grades or the reason of some other stuffs. Yeap sometimes in life, we weren't given a choice what, and she will be like scolding there non stop. So yeah I do have a deep phobia then, I wonder how I even lived through those years.

7. I am afraid of being left alone. You know it's silly, but last time I often will think that what if there comes a day when my family doesn't wants me anymore and nobody on earths actually want to accept me and I can't freaking buy a house at the mean time and so do the money for food is another problem too. Yeahh this problems will not come to my life but I would think that way. But I think this phobia of loneliness kind of decrease lately. Last time I would think a lot of being abandon or being ignored and all those. And I am also afraid that I would be sold away by my parents (which is like 100% not possible) and I would need to work as labours which is still acceptable like the worst thing lurhh but I am afraid of being forced to be a prostitude. I don't say such things out as I don't think it's a good idea in sharing it, that's why nobody actually knows this problem. But yeah at least this phobia has lessen now.

8. I remember myself having a really really serious phobia when I was little and I think I still have a little bit of it now but yeahh last time was more in a paranoid situation of it. But now, I'm a bit afraid only larhh, because it's consider really funny to me already. I've never ever told anyone about this before actually. And trust me this may be the weirdest phobia of all and I don't think anyone would have this phobia. I'm actually afraid of this one word YEAH YEAH LAUGH WHAT YOU WANT. And that one word is actually 'forever'. Okay it seems funny but yeahh I was really afraid of that word last time. Okay it's like this. 

Dad : You have to be a good girl in order to go to heaven.

Me : What if I'm bad ?

Dad : Then we would just die like that. Me : How good is being a good girl and how bad is being a naughty one. 

Dad : If you do more good deeds than bad deeds, that means you're a good girl. And if you do more bad deeds than good deeds, that means you're a bad girl. 

Me : What would I do in heaven ?

Dad : You would stay there and play all the stuffs you have ever wanted.

Me : Everyday ? I don't need to do homeworks ?

Dad : Yeap everyday, you don't need to do homework.

Me : How long is everyday ?

Dad : Forever

Me : And how long is forever ? 

Dad : Forever means millions and billions of years. Uncountable one.

Me : That mean's we are staying in heaven forever ? 

Dad : Yeap forever.

Me : And forever means I wouldn't die in heaven ?

Dad : Yeap, forever it is.

Yeap, that is actually the reason why I'm afraid of the word 'forever'. My dad was actually very persistent on his answer that we will be going to heaven forever then if we are good even how much I asked him as he actually thought I would like it. But no. I think that since I'm small, I'm always a thinker, a thinking too much and too deep of a thinker. I am actually afraid that I would be too tired and millions and billions of years is actually a lot. Seriously A LOT. So yeah, if you happen to meet a smaller version of me (again not possible), don't ever ever tell her that she will go to heaven forever if she is a good girl. At that time, I was thinking to be in heaven for maybe a hundred years and then I would be a naughty girl and die. I think that is one of my first phobia in my life and that's also one of the scariest I remember. Not to say scariest larhh, but the feeling I have then is actually one of the scariest one I consider out of all the others. 

9. I have a phobia of being laugh and insulted by people. You know it would make me cry though. And the thing is, I would actually not do the things you laughed at me in doing it anymore, yeap I'm serious. And I would cry a lot that I would promise myself to be autistic for the rest of my life and not talk to anyone ever, but yeah it didn't turn out that way to Miss Chatterbox HAHAHAHA 

10. I have a little phobia in climbing ladders HAHAHAHA. FYI I am not afraid of heights. Of course not every type of ladders larhh. I don't like those especially when they have small gaps and the handle not stable one, those not like stairs one larhh, to be specific. Oh yeahh, you know those in amusement park, like we have to climb up those ladders to play flying fox or something one, wow that one is so scary.  I can really go up to the tallest building but I am afraid of climbing ladders. I guess because I am a bit of lack of self confidence that I might fall and I might row down and knock my head against all these metal bars. Even those household ladder is a problem for me. You see, when I climb up there, both my hands would be attached firmly to those metals like super glue and I wouldn't do anything already. Like the purpose of me climbing up the ladder to repair something especially would take me quite some time to get used to the atmosphere on top. 

So these 10 are just those I found in myself, I hope I didn't miss out any of them. Well I guess it all depends on time going on again until the next one pops out I guess. Some are really weird and some are unusual and some are those common ones. I guess somehow humans on earth would have some things that they would be afraid of. And if they really admit they are afraid of it, well I think there isn't any point fooling around and scaring people out with it, as you never know how serious it could be. I see some people with serious phobia on things and they could end up very very paranoid, mine are just mild ones but yeahh don't mess up with me though.

That special one

Looking through the windows, yeahh it's raining, I actually already expected this, the sky being all dull and cloudy the whole morning and the wind being much stronger. And yeahh it really do happen now. I wouldn't call myself being good at predicting the future. But isn't it always like that ? It is so called being known in nature already.

To be honest, all these actually makes me wonder about my future. We couldn't just predict it in any other way and I know that nobody on Earth actually have a clear vision of their future. But shouldn't we be curious about it. Who am I in the future ? Where would I be ? How's my life then ? When would I die ? Who would be that special one who would hold my hands until we grow old ?

That special one. I guess there are decisions in life that appears to be the most important ones. And I sincerely hope that by then I would make the right choice.

So far in my life, I haven't got myself into any relationships with anyone yet. Not to mention that I have around 2 crushes. Well I guess I'm those type that is not obvious in showing my love to a guy, you know it's like even I have a crush on him, I treat him like a normal friend but my stomach is the one full of butterflies. So it's not really very obvious larhh, I would try to talk to him but yeahh I wouldn't do so too much times as later it would be obvious to him and then yeahh the guy may not like it. Forget about it. Actually so far there is a couple of people trying to confess to me. But yeahh they weren't brave enough and they actually somehow told their friends and yeahh their friends who is not a good secret keeper actually told me about it. And you know during the very next day of school, it actually makes me feel less comfortable whenever I see him hahaha, I'm serious.

Well, that special one actually doesn't have to be really good looking until he is a heart breaker or something. I think an ordinary guy would do. I'm not those type that really do emphasize on appearance. And yeahh, I don't actually mind how you look like. 

Since I'm really really small, I assume when I'm in my elementary school, I once told my dad that the person I am to marry must know how to cook HAHAHAHA. You may find it childish, but I think I've never change that thought before. Last time the reason why I thought so is because I want to be the boss sitting at the chair waiting for food to be cooked, I'm too lazy hahaha. But now the reason why I would think so is that both my dad and my mum are good cook, well they don't work as chefs but they are really good in cooking. As for me and my brother erhem, they said parents who know how to cook their kids don't really know right ? Hahaha I know how to cook simple stuffs larhh. Okayy, the main reason why is that I think guys who know how to cook are really awesome as I don't have to eat those take away food when I'm sick or yeahh under confinement HAHAHAHAH, I think too far sometimes. You know those food outside got a lot of MSG and it's not really healthy plus it's also not cheap. Later my kid not healthy arhh. Somemore home cooked dishes are always the best right ? And it's actually really fun to do groceries together and cook together. 

Okay I just found out that a guy being a sense of humor is very important too. I never know that it's important after this year. You know humor guys can make girls feeling happy like so easily. Whenever you are sad or whatsoever, it really do helps if you could do funny stuffs to make her happy. And life would be full of colors then. 'If you can make a girl happy, you can make her do anything.' - Marilyn Monroe. Being happy is actually one of the most important thing, isn't it ? Imagine him making me smile everyday, my life also can live longer sia. 

I think the other thing is that he must be a tolerable guy lurhh. You know anyone can go emotional and not-in-a-good-temper at days. I think both sides have to tolerate and yeah I admit it really is tough at times and I must also admit I'm not that good at tolerating. And I must say sometimes I really am a good speaker than a listener, so yeahh people usually say I'm good at debating ._. Mainly because I am really aware about my self esteem or what people call face. So unless I'm really really wrong, I would surrender, but if not hahaha, I'm sorry about it then.

I think guys should be romantic too HAHAHAHA. It really is important to remember those special dates we ha together. Like the date we started to be together, wedding anniversary, valentine's day, oh yeah and birthday. I think by giving a small surprise is romantic enough already, it doesn't need a lot of money used to plan it, maybe a small slice of cake with a candle on it or a DIY card ? Oh and maybe decorate the place during special occasions ? Guys should also be romantic after marriage or even after having their kids growing old. It really is something really sweet to whisper sweet stuffs in the girls ear. Girls like it, trust me. 

He has to be older than me. People says that if the men is older than the lady around 6-10 years is actually a perfect match. Why ? Because girls actually will look older when times goes by, you see girls have to give birth and stuffs. And horhh, usually boys are chubby with baby face de lurhh. And the boy have to be taller than me, actually by me stating this is actually quite useless as I'm quite short, I mean short HAHAHAHA.

I am a music lover. I think people who know how to play any musical instruments appear attractive to me. Except for electronic guitar and drums, I don't know I just find it very very noisy. I would be more than happy if he knows piano or classical guitar as both of it is my favourite musical instrument. Oh maybe it's a bonus, if he knows both !! I know how to play piano and I hope we could play duets together. Very romantic right ? Huachi daooo. I have always been playing duets with my brother and it really is fun when we attempt to play together. If he knows guitar, than I guess he could teach me since I actually am really in love with guitar and I wanted to learn guitar but my piano teacher advice me to don't do so as my fingers will then lose the touch when playing piano. And you know, boys looks really cute when they are concentrating playing the musical instruments, no kidding. The little frowns on their foreheads, their eyes not leaving the sheets, and especially when they concentrate until they stick their tongue out a little. 

Blur guys are really cute. I mean it. Like the way they look at you, those looks, can melt a heart one you know. Like you wouldn't need find their wrongs. They are too blur to do so. Blurry cute. Wait, is there even this term hahahha. I know you all may be thinking can blur and humor both be in a person. Yes, I have seen a guy before that he is quite blur and he have such a sense of humor. It's really cute to be blur and funny. 

I also thinks that it's important if he knows how to ease out awkward situation and to know how to communicate with strangers. I'm so totally not good in both of it. I think guys especially are really good in this compare to girls I know, I don't know but this is my own opinion. Girls as in me included inside are more afraid of being the first to give out a handshake and say hi. Actually all these brings love and kindness to strangers, it is really important to them when they come to a total stranger place without anyone caring for them. I always wanted to say hi but you know I'm actually afraid to do so. 

He must be good in talking too larhh, like don't too quiet, I'm those talkative type that if I don't talk for a few hours also will die one HAHAHAH JOKING LARHH, I don't talk when I sleep de. Must know how to find topics although I'm actually good at it also. Self praise lol. And must also help me stand on my rights when people talk bad about me :/ I think u think too much already, touchwood people say bad about me, I'm so good HAHAHAHA.  

Boys with too serious mysophobia turns out very headache to me. Honestly, I'm not very clean, yet not very dirty. I'm lazy to do house chores that's why I'm a bit dirty, I mop the floor of my room only once a fortnight HAHAHAH. I don't eat in my room what, just walk in to sleep only. Why mop so often ? I sweep erhem vacuum the floor twice a week lerhh. Okay back to topic, I'm not too dirty because I'm afraid of rats and cockroach staying with me. So yeahh, if you are really aware of cleanliness, ermm I think you have to do house chores yourself lurhh.

I think the other criteria of an ideal guy is that he have to love and respect my parents and family members. I know different family have different rules, culture, tradition and stuffs but yeahh it really is important to respect and try to accept them all. After we get married, I would be calling your parents my parents, and you will also call my parents your parents. So I'm also compromising yours and you should compromise mine too. 'Respect them as in how your respect your parents' should be implant in every marriage couples mind. After we get married, we turn into a single soul spiritually and mentally. The way we think, the way we make decisions and so on are all in one. My parents brought me up, your parents brought you up. So it's also somehow equivalent to my parents and your parents brought both of us up. In conclusion, both of us have to love and respect both our parents :)

Trust. He have to trust in me. No matter with evidence and everything that is against me. He should have know that I would never lie to him, and he should never hesitate on me. We must exchange our trusts between each other, knowing that we would never lie to each other no matter what. With that, no matter how big a problem is, by just trusting each other and totally rely onto each other, nothing on earth couldn't be solved together.

Ohh, he have to know how to handle kids as I'm not good in handling kids but yeahh kids love me WHYYY ?! I also don't know. You know when kids cry, omgosh so irritating. And I don't know how to play with them :') Like I know how to scare kids to ensure they are quiet only HAHAHAHA. So if you want kids, you must make sure you know how to handle them. I will be the obese and without health conscious mum eating candies and snacks over there, I cannot put them down tbh. Guys who knows how to handle kids are actually very handsome and you know girls will fall in love with them. Can treat kids (kids can be demanding sometimes) so well, sure can treat us well de larhh. This theory is like in every girls' mind de okay ? 

I think the most important thing of all the above is that he have to love me and to never give up on me no matter what happens. Marriage couples should always remember that. Need not to say it out by words, small actions would actually be seen and remembered in my heart. Action speaks louder than words. A gesture of love actually could lighten up ones day and would let each other know that we need each other to live on. Nobody could stand between and against us. We need to hold each others hand tightly no matter how big the storm is, and to always remember a rainbow is ahead of us, just hold on tighter and happiness will come. That kind of love for each other are actually the ones that makes a marriage or relationship bond stronger. 

Love is not just it, it's something that last for a lifetime. 

情深 缘浅

缘分这东西 有时很难说，说有 的确是有缘认识对方 说没有 的确每次只不过是一厢情愿。

谈起以前喜欢过的人，有时觉得自己很傻 有时却觉得这种是有点傻傻的幸福。

人总是这样，总是要疯疯癫癫的爱上一个人。然后 一跌就跌得很重很重，才懂得醒过来。人生必经之路吧 ? 那一丁点的关心，一丁点的温暖 竟然换取你的一厢情愿，换取了你一整年的想念及花痴。天天都期待着与他谈天的时候，期待着见到他。明知是没可能的，但就是无法控制自己啊。他对你那么好 有种 不嫁给他都会觉得浪费 的心态。可是不是你的，始终就不会是你的吧。这种人总会在你觉得全世界都在与你隔着一条线 (除了家人那些啦) 然后你就是觉得有些心事在心里闷着 很辛苦 但又不想告诉那些朋友，始终都不怎么熟 万一对你产生反感呢 ? 就在这时 英雄救美的男主角出现了。好啦，我并不怎么美啦 哈哈。对，他出现了。你在心中给他许多的分，你并不什么注重外表嘛。他也其实不算很难看啦。他很成熟 比一般的人懂事，他很幽默 总爱逗你开心，他很体贴 总是什么不妥都能察觉到，他是个很好聊的对象 几乎什么都能谈起来，他挺聪明的 课业上的什么困难 他都有本事回答，他有爱心 在你伤心难过时 他是那位鼓励你 并安慰你的，重点是 他对你很好 天天都顺着你的脾气 顺着你的心情 无论如何都 24 小时 在那里陪你聊天。

嗯 情深，的确挺深的。别人问，他对你有这样好吗 ? 真的 他对我很好。他说不 定是我曾经感受到一个男的 对我那么好的人了。或许 他只把我当成妹妹这么看待吧。

好像看对了人，可是都在错的时候。他那时 喜欢上另一个人。很简单啊，那女的好多人追，长得美总是这样的吧 ? 我知道他喜欢别人啊。可你要我怎么放下，难道说要放下就能放得下吗 ? 事情就这么简单吗 ? 我知道他喜欢那女的 只不过是因为样貌的关系，其实啊 我们俩的感情比他跟她的 还深呢。有总 三角恋的感觉吧 ? 我爱他 他爱她 她却爱另一个他。我与他们三个的感情都不错。一个是自己喜欢的人，一个是挺要好的朋友，一个是天天都能见的同班同学。或许真的是 情深、缘浅 吧。有缘没分。其实 结局是 我们几个之间都没在一起。

我没怪他。人就是这样 不是吗 ? 谁会像你自己那样 傻乎乎的不注重外表 只注重内在，傻乎乎的 明知自己不会得到同样的回报 却都愿意付出。

其实啊，一整年来 我都在尽力做着他与她之间的桥。我就这样塔在他们中间，好让他们能够走过我，借着我 做个朋友。那女的 的确不想与他做朋友，可 我为了他 竟然都背着她 帮他解决。我为什么要帮他 ? 我到现在也不明白，但我也不后悔。我相信如果你给我重选择 我也会选择当初的决定。你们或许觉得 我傻 我吃亏。对 的确如果我不怎么做 他几乎是没有可能会成功与她做朋友的，我也不用看着他这么继续地爱着她。

其实啊，爱一个人 不一定要跟他在一起。知道他的不好 也会支持他的决定。就当着是 我给他的一丁点报答吧。

我曾经与他谈天谈到哭个不停，是他安慰我 给回我那份胆量及自信。他曾经在我开个好大的玩笑骗他时 没骂我 却说我本性好 哈哈。他曾经在我幼稚地生气他 在一张纸上 写了一大堆他的坏话及要骂他的话时 没生气我 反而说要把那张纸收好来 好好反省。他曾经在我不爽某些人时 把一切都投诉给他时 都静静在听 他从没觉得我是对或错的，他只说他只站在我们中间，看他多成熟啊。他曾经在我与他无数次吵架时 每次都让我。他曾经是第一个祝我生日快乐的人，当时真的生日都没什么人理 我当时真的有被他感动到。

那些一丁点的小事 虽然对你而言都不算什么，但其实 我就是爱上你及那些我们之间所发生的点点滴滴。

他不知道我喜欢他，是的 我喜欢上一个人 很不明显。对你而言 说不定 我们之间没什么，但你知道你当时在我心里占多重要的位置吗 ? 哈哈 都是我不好，很多事 都跟你说 就只差那一件事没告诉过你。或许 也是没必要的关系吧。有些事 我知道就好了。

嗯 我就是喜欢你的成熟，我就是喜欢你的体贴大方，我就是喜欢你的幽默感，我就是喜欢你关心我，我就是喜欢你常常在放学时等我，我就是喜欢你的聪明，我就是喜欢你那样逗我，我就是喜欢你让给我，我就是喜欢跟你聊天，我就是喜欢你的这个那个。

嗯 你毕业了。好久没见了。我知道你过得挺好的。你或许在实现着你曾经告诉着我的那个梦想吧 ? 其实 每当你更新你的状态 我又再看到你时，其实我都会想起你曾经对我的一切好。是的 我们真的好久没联络。我们都试着，双方都曾经试过，但其实 我们俩都觉得挺尴尬的。或许 从那次后 就都不知不觉冷淡了下来吧 ? 其实现在看到你时 心里总会酸酸的，怎么说呢 我都想哭。或许 你不记得我们之间曾经立下的承诺了吧 ? 那也没关系吧。其实 我只希望 你还记得我，你还记得我们曾经经历过的那些事就够了。

你现在在哪里呢 ? 老地方见面 好吗 ?

When that day comes

" In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. " Genesis 3:19

Humans come to the Earth one day, and will also leave the Earth one day. The day of our death is not known by us human. Therefore, I believe it isn't a problem for us to be speaking about death although it is always a big problem in any Chinese tradition. I guess it's no point being too superstitious sometimes. I am not planning to commit suicide and I promise I will never do so as it is like to harm and not appreciate or feel grateful on God's creation. If that one day comes, I don't want to see everyone being sad. I am honest. And I really hope my last wish would be granted then.

My funeral. It's better to not have a really grand one, maybe just one like my grandmother's. Simply just having a small funeral in the church will do, for the sake to let everyone know I'm no longer alive so they wouldn't bother keep on asking my family or friends and to also let them send some words of condolences to my family members so they wouldn't feel so down. Need not to held it for days, an hour or two is enough already. Bringing in my coffin into the church and have people who are close to me help me speak some appreciation and if possible please do follow the way I want it as written below. Maybe someone could also read this blogpost out on my behalf as what I want to say is already roughly written below. Thank you. And finally being buried or maybe burn into ashes. I won't mind either way. 

I guess it's not really a tradition to have flowers in a funeral here in Malaysia ehh ? But yeahh I prefer having flowers around so at least it will bring my joy to people who comes, I don't like seeing people cry to be honest. I rather want myself to cry than seeing the others to cry for me. So I guess it's why I would need help of the flowers to lighten and calm their spirit due to their lose.

My favourite flowers are tulips. Not many people knows it but yeahh it is the flower I would choose if I were to be given a choice. Tulips are not too elegant, too romantic, too big, too small, or too bright; the tulip is always just right. It's like how life should be.

White and orange tulips are both my favourite color of choice. I think they are both suitable and I would really like to use it for my funeral as the white ones actually are used to claim worthiness or to send a message of forgiveness. And I believe I may have accidentally hurt many of you all's heart unknowingly throughout my life. That's why at the end of my days, before I am turn into ashes, I really want to ask for you all's forgiveness no matter how much wrongdoings I did, I also hope that I could claim at least the worthiness I deserved before leaving the Earth. 

The orange one simply means energy, enthusiasm, desire and passion. I believe those are the words to describe my entire life's journey. Having the energy to do what i want, to act kindness, to praise the Lord, to make friends, to love each other, to spend time with my loved ones, to achieve what I want, to appreciate others, and at last to also live until my last breath. Enthusiasm, according to my understanding, it simply means a mixture of excitement and fun. Well it's a word to describe every curious creatures life. We get to know and experience new stuffs in life and all that. And I am always enthusiastic about life. Like every stages of life brings different memories to me, that makes me really looking forward to my next stage of life. Desire, I desire for tons of stuffs, and I believe if I have the opportunity to experience my old age, I would acheive all of the wishes and dreams I once had. Even the craziest of them all which is to travel in a submarine. I don't know whether by the time the funeral is held, will I ever have the chance, even if I die young, I believe I would die with no regrets as so far I am enjoying what I am doing now. And lastly passion, passion is almost equivalent to love. This is one of the most important one. The people I mixed with, the things I do, the dreams I had and so on are actually all really really meaningful to me. I am really glad and I want to send my biggest gratitude and appreciation to those who cared for me, those who loved me and also those who help me add colors in my life. I believe my life wouldn't be the same without any one of you. 

It would really be great if there is some songs going on to prevent kids from being all awkward in such circumstances. Confirm their parents would be like 'you must respect the dead and their family members' type. No need to play them in the church larhh, maybe just a piece of advice to them to listen to ? or maybe it can be played when I am in the process of being buried/burnt. Well, there is some songs in my mind. I would say the song 'Let her go' is a nice one. I really really like the song from every angle of it, the melody, the lyrics and so on. The lyrics of this song reminds us on appreciating stuffs or people before we lose them. It could be a reminder to those out there who moan for me (if there is) that they should take this as a reminder to love their love ones before everything is too late. 

Maybe 'Season in the sun' is also a good song to be played to represent my family. I remember that this song was my first favourite song as a kid. This song brought me up as a kid I guess ? Listening to it on dad's car radio so often that I could even memorize most of the lyrics already haha. I am really really glad that I have such loving and caring family that brought me up through all the good times and bad times in life. We indeed had many joy and fun together. Although sometimes we may quarrel over small matters, but yeahh I actually feel really really sad and I really do regret it after everytime it happens. I do wish my parents would live longer and enjoy their old age larh. So I guess if I pass away earlier than them. This songs actually says bye bye to my dad. And yeah it also says that I was the black sheep of the family, which I must admit that I was stubborn at time and I an really hard to be taught. I consider myself as being spoilt because I actually cannot bear being scolded and if I've been scolded, 99% I will get angry and cry. I am serious about it hahaha. So this song actually is also a song thanking my parents and my brother for compromising me throughout all these years. If not I guess I would have been beaten if I do so outside the society ? The song's lyrics not that direct dedicating to parents and saying thank you larhh, but I hope you all do understand what I meant. I am really glad that I am born with this surname, in this family, with these parents and to also live as all four of us. You all never gave up on me as an infant, a toddler, kid, teenager, youth and so on. Fatherly and motherly love are hard to be understood until you yourself become one of them. They are the one that gave up lots and lots of things for us children. They never blame us for being born on Earth no matter how naughty and stubborn are we. I can't bear to see them feeling disappointed and all for me. They see us grow, they nurture us. Which parents doesn't have the hope of having their kid being successful in the future ? Which parents will not sacrifice all they had to not let their kid suffer ? I love them, I know it's hard to say 'I love you' sometimes but I know they know it, and I also know that they love me too. They may not say it out but the heart and actions already tells.

I would think 最珍贵的角落 is also one of the song that should at least be played once during the funeral. This song means a lot for me as it helps me go through a lot of hard times reminding me of that I still have lots and lots of friends to be there for me. It also is a song to thank all the friends of the memorable moments we had spend in life. So I think it's a good way to also thank all of my friends. JKT is actually one of the most important and meaningful persatuan that I have ever join in my life. It really is my privilege to be sisters of both of them. No regrets getting into this school. They have done all they could to make me happy always. I don't think you all remember but one of the most touching and heartfelt event with them is when there was once when I'm having really high fever in school. And I seriously have no energy to move around anymore. The class is yet so noisy that me as the class monitor have to ensure the class to be quiet so that we wouldn't interrupt other classes. So yeah I must say that time, all I need is some panadol a to reduce the high fever. However, I don't have any of them with me. I was really going crazy having both problem coming to attack me at once. I kept quiet for a real long time and I just laid my head on the table. It still doesn't help. You all asked me what could you all do, I just smiled and said 'I'm okay, you all don't worry about me, I go back home eat panadol can already.' That was when both of you went to find panadol for me. You know in Malaysia, I don't know for other countries, but here in Malaysia, usually teachers won't give any medication to a student even when they need it themselves, all they could do is to send us to hospitals because it may bring harm to them if anything happens to us. But they didn't gave up, they actually asked all the teachers in the teachers' room. They literally beg from one table to another. I don't remember whether they finally get it or not but I did have a good time continue resting and I feel very touch larhh. Furthermore, they actually also manage to get the class' volume tune down a bit. It's all my responsibility them, but yeahh it was all solved by them. I really do hope we do have a chance to go Jakarta together, maybe at least twice in a lifetime ? 

After I die, I must say all the things I own in my room are not that valuable but what meant most to me are those present my loved ones give me, my diary and lastly a box filled with memorable stuffs that I put in the second drawer. All of the present can be given back to the original owner that gave me if they still need it, if not there isn't any other people who sees it valuable. I would definitely try my best to keep it in good shape until I die, but I believe once it is passed to another person who is not appreciative, it would end up being broken. And my diary ahahaha. Don't ever ever read it out arhh. Too many crushes and secrets inside. Later paiseh arhh. I hope my diary would be kept back to its original place to be rot hahaha or if someone would be able to accept it could have it but I really really hope that all of the diaries will not be scattered around the world but will always be in a complete set so yeahh that equivalents to that they are one happy family and only one owner can have it in order that they wouldn't split. Those love letter I wrote inside don't tell out larhh. And finally my memorable stuffs that brings up my childhood. Well it can also be left to rot or it can be give out to those in need. But those things are hardly used de by the way because it's mostly some small notes and some random stuffs that brings a lot of memories to me. Ohh as for all the other stuff in my room, it can be given out to those who need it. My clothes, my books, my toys (?) HAHAHAHA I do still have some toys with me now and much more. It can be donated and to help others.

Talking about donation, I don't mind donating any of my organs if there is people in need of it. I will take good care of all of them now so yeahh it would be at least in 90% perfect (?) shape then. If can use then donate it. No point burning it or burying it without any use right ? 

Oh yeah, I've forgotten about the songs that would be sing during song service that day in the church. I guess I would like the song 'My hope is build on nothing less' as that song is one of my favourite church hymn. And that song is actually where I get to know more about this really blur and cute guy hahaha. Yeapp, I must admit I have a crush on him for like 1 or 2 years ??? Woah I'm crazy. I want it in English version btw HAHAHAHA. The song is really meaningful and yeahh btw if you notice the songs I like isn't too fast and too high. So this song actually suits the criteria. 

Maybe the song 'still' also. I know this song isn't in the church hymn, but I really really like it. Really really soothing song. And that song was the song that bring me memories of the sign language we did in the dark. One of the happiest moments in choir group with them.

' You are my all in all' is also really a nice song to be sang ? Well that's one of the first few songs that I saw people singing and playing guitar with it. I especially love the plucking of this song. Really really detailed and it's as if like being played on the piano. 

It is not necessary to wear black or dark colored clothes though. But please don't wear shorts, I prefer longer attire. Maybe longer dresses ? White one. They look really really pleasant. Of course, this is just my point of view, we can't like chase away the guests right ?

Oh yeahh, what I should be wearing. Well maybe again a really long white dress ? Not those ghost type de larhh, also not those wedding gown or gown type de larhh, maybe a simple one from my wardrobe ? I don't have anything to put inside my coffin to be burnt or buried. Don't you all ever dare to burn or burry my diaries together with me okay. Heart pain arhh. Been writing since the year 2011 lerhh. I don't believe of what I can read them in heaven or hell though. I believe that once we are dead, we can't take anything out from this earth, so no point burying or burning them. I heard that my mum said that some clothes have to be put underneath the dead body to prevent the body from moving from its place when it is been carried to the cemetery. If the technology then still needs it, yeahh put those clothes I wear at home can already, I so fat sure very stable one, don't put all of my clothes in, wasted sia. Can donate it out for charity one. And horh. The coffin right, buy the cheapest enough already, no need so grand one, at last also get buried or burnt de right ? No point wasting so much of money on it.

What should you all do with my ashes ? Well, I think you all can put it in a peaceful place. I don't know whether is it allowed to put outside the church LOLOLOL maybe not larhh, you all can put it around my house I'm staying as I think I have a lot of memories growing up in it, or you all can put it in my mum's hometown there, there's many beaches that are really peaceful and beautiful. Of course I don't believe in anything of ashes must be kept properly arhh, or if it is not properly handled, I will feel unhappy or so. So yeahh, if it is really troublesome to you all, well just put it anywhere larhh. I won't mind one.

If I am already capable to work and earn money before I pass away, well the leftover money I have must be left to my parents. They have spent a lot on me and I hope that bit of money could help them in their life. Or you all can donate it to the church. Aiyar, if I got children or grandchildren then. Confirm the dad got leave money for them de, don't worry arhh, I will find a good daddy for you all to take care of you all. But if I adopt a kid in the future without marrying, consider how old is the kid larhh. If he/she is still studying well give him/her half the money, half for my parents lurhh. But if he/she already start working then give my parents only lurhh. Don't so dependent marhh. 

Ohh by then, put this memory verse as the quote larhh : " I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. " 2 Timothy 4:7 

I don't know but usually this memory verse is used, isn't it ? 

This blog can then be revealed on who am I actually also. I guess I will not tell anyone except for maybe my spouse in the future only if I do have one. So yeah, by then can be revealed larhh, not really necessary also.

I think I've wrote almost all the stuff that is needed. I hope I didn't miss out anything. But do remember, I'm not really particular on everything, just make life easy, don't trouble people so much. A simple one will do. And arhh, don't put my face on newspapers arhh. I know it may seemed silly writing all this and I have to emphasize again that I am not commit suiciding, I won't do things to harm myself. I think the reason why I write this is that, our lives are sometimes too fragile and we never know what will happen tommorow larhh. And right, I think I don't want to like ended up having a really grand one and I also don't want to see my family and friends worrying and feeling sad as my biggest wish of all when I die is to not let them cry for me.